Suzie : Welcome to Sharing My Truth with Mel and Suzie. The uncensored version where we bear it all.

Mel: We do. 1, 2, 3, 4.

Suzie : And hello, everyone, and welcome back to Share My Truth Pod. You're here with Mel and Susie.

Thanks so much for tuning in with us today.

We're still coming at you live from London town.

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We'd love to hear from you. Which is what one listener did today.

Hey, babes.

Mel: Hello, darling. Hello, darling.

Suzie : How are you?

Mel: I'm. I'm fabulous. I'm fine. I've got a cup of tea. It's all good.

Suzie : It's actually funny, Mel and I, because we're obviously in London. We're roommates.

Mel: Yeah, we are.

Suzie : And it's kind of cute, but it's kind of cute to see Mel a little stressed in the morning.

She's like, my plans have changed my plans. And I was like, mel, we're going to be okay. Just chill, just keep going,

keep going. Carry on, carry on. That's what they say.

Mel: I was singing to myself this morning. You were?

Suzie : You never do that. I was like, something's wrong. It was adorable. What do we got today, babes? Tell us.

Mel: Well, we have a story,

but like a story stroke kind of comment. And I think this is very common and I think this is relevant to a male and a female audience. Okay,

I will preface this from a male audience because it's, I think, the thing they don't understand a lot about a lot about a lot about a lot about their female partners and women don't understand about themselves.

Right,

so here we go. Wow.

Suzie : Okay.

Mel: Yeah,

I've hyped it up now I ****** it up.

Okay, so this is a female listener who wrote in saying, I feel a lot of shame around sex.

I think this stems from the fact that my parents were very religious. As an adult, I know sex isn't something terrible, but I can't seem to believe it's not true.

I'm married and I've never enjoyed sex. I want to make things better,

but how do I do this?

Suzie : Okay, well, I've got some good stuff to send her, some pamphlets.

Mel: I'm sorry, I Can't mean to laugh because it's not funny.

Suzie : No, we're not laughing at her. But this is such a common problem.

Mel: It's so common. Like so many men at different points in relationships, probably, particularly when they've been with somebody or married a very long time,

kind of go,

you know, the woman's just. She's sort of checked out, she's not interested in sex.

And I know that is a common theme because what happens is life gets in the way and you get very busy and you have work and children and life. And life basically becomes very unsexy.

Right. And it's very, very difficult for women to get in the mode if it's not sexy.

And then from the female point of view, a lot of women think from a very young age, and I don't think this has changed. I think this has been going on for frigging centuries.

Just think that sex should work like it's a thing. It's the most natural thing in the world.

Therefore,

you know,

it goes in. It should all happen. The fireworks should go off, I should love every minute. It should all be fabulous. And of course, that's not true.

And there are many, many women going through their life not enjoying sex at all. They just do it.

They know they should be doing it. If they're with a man,

he likes it. They think, well, I should like it.

And then it keeps going.

And then they get to this point where. Well, I can't say something now because I've been with this person for ages and I. And this is obviously quite a sort of.

I don't want to use the word extreme, but it's quite an advanced case of this. But I think there are a lot of people, particularly a lot of women, and surprisingly, a lot of young women, like, we think this belongs to the older generation generation, and I don't think it does.

A lot of young women who are in relationships and they don't enjoy sex at all, and they think there's something wrong with them. Right. And they keep going. And then they don't say anything because that's really embarrassing.

Yeah. And then the longer it goes, the longer they think, well, it must be me. That tells me something wrong with me.

And then they could have had several relationships, even if they haven't had a lot of experience, let's say they've had several, and it just. Just nothing kind of goes off for them.

Yeah. And they just don't know what the hell's wrong and they don't know who to speak to without Actually knowing that it's not them, that everyone's body is different. You actually kind of have to figure it out, like anything.

And that it could be, you know. You know, to put it in the most basic terms, that man is just not pushing your buttons properly.

And it's just, you know, obviously the biology not to get too scientific of a man is pretty obvious. You know, it goes up, it's comes out, and that's that.

Suzie : How nice is that?

Mel: But, I mean, you know, whereas woman is a lot more. What's the word? Not subtle, but more kind of this.

Suzie : Well, there's a lot more going on.

Mel: There's a lot more going on.

Suzie : It depends on mental and emotional and physical and the environmental also, like, there's literally so much going on for a woman to, like, make her come or even just, like, get her wet.

Like, it's a whole journey about being a woman. And like I say, Mel.

Mel: Yes.

Suzie : The ***** doesn't lie.

Mel: I know you like that, don't you?

Suzie : Because for me, maybe not for all women. For me, this is very true.

Mel: But I think that's because I know this sounds ridiculous, but that's because you know that. And I know that sounds obvious,

but I think a lot of people.

And some people be like, oh, she's crazy. But some people don't necessarily know that or don't make that connection. Because that may never have happened. Yeah. Because they may not have had a lot of partners or a lot of situations.

So it may have just always been a pond,

as opposed to a river.

Suzie : A river, yeah.

Mel: And that's the problem. So they got nothing to compare it to. And I think there is this idea about sex that it's supposed to,

you know, go in the hole. Wham, bam, that's meant to be amazing.

And that's it. And obviously for the man,

you know, that is. That's the goal. Right. That's, you know. But a lot of women, that does not happen. And I.

I'm shocked at the number of young men.

Young men with the ******* Internet. Right. Who don't know this. Yeah.

Who don't know this. Who don't know that the large proportion of women cannot climax, to use a scientific term, without some kind of additional stimulation.

And it's not something. We still don't really talk about it. I know. And women who are not connected to themselves, which can be for religion, for family, your personality,

the relationships you've had, could be a whole myriad of things. Yeah.

Just keep going in this. I guess I'll find out when I find Out?

Suzie : Well, yeah, I mean I can't speak about the, her religious based problems obviously like that is a, for a psychologist.

But I know that as does affect a lot of people within their sexual energies and their shame and everything like that.

The reason I bring up the pusses and lie is I feel like this woman obviously is like, how do I make my sex life better? How do I orgasm from sex?

And it's like one, you have to figure out what you want for yourself. You cannot rely on your partner ever to do that for you. If you don't know what makes you tick, what makes you come, what makes you wet, then you're never going to come.

So you have to know as a woman what gets you going. Even in the foreplay terms. Right. So like you have to start masturbating and it doesn't sound like she is because if she was, then she would know how to make herself come and then she could communicate that hopefully with her husband,

her partner, her whoever.

Well, would you agree with that?

Mel: Yeah, I think that that is a way to do it. I think it really depends where she is along the line.

So if she's been with this person a long time, well, she has to experiment with herself.

Yeah, I know, but there's a problem there too because if you are that far into it,

that's even, there's even shame around that if it's religious or anything. And I know you're looking at me like I've just got off the alien ship. No, but there is shame around masturbation and people of certain ages.

That.

And that's also. That is something that has changed because definitely when I was young,

nobody talked about it. I mean not a living soul.

Suzie : No, I know.

Mel: Never had a conversation like what women.

Suzie : Do that women are still in my era of millennials are still don't have sex toys and still, I mean maybe they **********, but they don't have sex toys. And I'm like,

the technology out there today to make you come is unbelievable. Why not use what they is available?

Mel: That might be a millennial thing. I think that has changed a lot for Gen Zs.

Suzie : Right.

Mel: But I do think that there is so much more than there was like as opposed to no women having them to then a tiny fraction to maybe a little bit more of a percentage.

So it depends how old this woman is. So there will be a huge amount of shame just around that.

Like number one, if you live with somebody who thinks that everything's fine, how do you suddenly say, oh, I'm Off I go. I'm just going to have some time alone.

Yeah. How do you do that? If you live in small.

In small quarters or you live in a house where you just don't know what the situation. That in itself is a challenge.

Then you're kind of, like, uncomfortable with yourself and your body. Like, you're just like, what do you do?

Maybe you've never done it before. Maybe you've never. It's very, very difficult. And I think there's so much mental stuff going on. And the problem also here, I mean, the thing is she really, really needs to talk to her partner, but she needs to do it in a way that is not hurtful to him.

I'm assuming it's a him is not hurtful to him. She really does. Because,

you know,

that person needs to help her. And I'm a great believer in relationships, there tends to be one person who's like,

more.

I say pushier, but that's not the great adjective. But even one is more communicative.

One finds it easier. One can help the other.

That is the ideal thing.

It's quite rare that both people are really good at it.

And I just think she needs to get to a point where he can help her. And then the problem is, what if he can't do it?

Suzie : I don't know. I just don't agree with that. I think you cannot rely on any man or woman to make. To give you pleasure in sex. Like, yes,

there is. Like, it's a team effort with everyone's orgasm. You hope that the other person cares that you are gonna come.

But if he.

If he can't help her, and he is like, oh, does this feel good? And she's like, yeah, that feels good. But like. And most women have this experience.

Yeah, most women have this experience where it's like,

oh, that feels good. But that doesn't feel that good. Like, it feels good, but it's like, is that. Is that gonna make me come? Like, I.

And I've spoken this about this on the POD before. Like, it.

It took me four years from when I lost my virginity to when I could actually have an orgasm. And I. Between that time, I was like,

am I having orgasms? Like, you don't actually know as a woman because there's things coming out of you,

right. So it's way more confusing and conflicting. You're like, okay, I'm having fun. This isn't not fun. But it's like, it's not. But it's not getting there. Exactly. And you kind of lie to yourself about, like, the actual experience a little bit.

And you're like, this is fine, but it's not, like, amazing.

But you don't know why and you don't know what's happening. So you really don't know until you get there. But the only way that you're gonna get there for me, a man did help me get there, but I.

It just happened, right? Like, it was just one of those things that was just like, holy ****, this is amazing.

But you have to 100% know how to work your bo. Your own body with that partner, with that man to do that.

Mel: I agree with that. But we're in. This is a situation where she's probably not. She's not in her 20s.

She's much further down the road. And the idea of suddenly going, okay, off I go for an hour or whatever and go and sit in the bathroom or whatever, it's just not going to happen.

You know, if you. If you're. What do you mean to go off?

Because if she. What if she's never done it? What if she doesn't know what to do? I mean, you may look at me like, what?

Suzie : No, I'm sorry.

Mel: What if she doesn't have time to do what?

Suzie : So you have to practice, so you have to try.

Mel: I know, but when, Susie. So, like, if you live in a house with somebody, if you live with somebody and you. You've been married to them for a very long time.

People in families, they're in your face all the time.

Suzie : She's not married.

Mel: Well, we don't know. Oh,

you know, if you're in a situation. We don't know if she's married. We don't know if she has children.

It's extremely difficult to get any peace. And I mean calm peace. It's almost impossible. I mean, when you have kids, we don't show kids. They can. You can be on the toilet and they're like, mom.

And you're like, I'm on the toilet. And they still go, mom.

So you're like, oh, yes, off I go to, you know, diddle.

Suzie : My motherhood sounds so fun.

Mel: It's like, it's very difficult. And then if it's stressful, I mean, this. Even that itself is difficult.

I mean, I agree she should try and understand herself, but,

you know, I think it depends on who a partner is. And, you know, the other thing is, if she's been with somebody a long time,

how holding this thing also creates stress.

Holding this kind of secret is very difficult with somebody. You've been with for a very long time. Yeah. And how the **** do you figure that out on your own?

Right. If what I'm saying is if she is able to have a conversation around why this is difficult for her, she could be really careful. Choose her words carefully so as to please do not blame him because it isn't his fault.

Suzie : Oh, it's definitely not his fault.

Mel: And it's not your fault. No, it's basically there are circumstances, there are reasons you haven't connected to yourself. Right.

But I do think that it would be helpful because otherwise it looks kind of suspicious. Off I go for like, if you've never done this before and all of a sudden you're like, oh, I'm in the bedroom, go in your car.

Suzie : Do you have one?

Mel: Okay, thanks. Suzy is,

you know, you need a certain mood, a certain peace, a certain, you know, you just can't do it. I mean, it's scary, right?

So I think if she could at least somehow communicate with him that she does have issues and she wants to don't say he's not done it or anything like that.

And I do agree this could open a massive can of worms. But I do think this could be very difficult to do on your own. I'm not saying find it with him.

I'm saying communicate, say I have problems or have issues because of the past connecting to myself and I need to figure this out for us to kind of improve whatever together.

Then hopefully he's an understanding person and he's like, okay, I understand and say I need to do this and maybe have some time alone or whatever it is,

but maybe figure out it together. Because if she's kind of doing that in secret and she's never done this, you're coming at this as somebody who's always done this and who like, you know what if you're middle aged and you've never done this and you're with a partner and you've never talked about it,

you've never talked about sex,

you've just kind of gone with it and the person has no idea.

And quite, very, very lightly the man. And this also happens for the male point of view.

It's never been earth shattering either.

Suzie : Oh, what do you mean, the male?

Mel: Well, because I think also a lot of men can be in again if.

Suzie : They like, their sex life is fine.

Mel: Yeah, it depends. Well, they don't know because they've never had amazing sex, but they're having orgasms.

Suzie : There's no way it can be that bad. If you're still having an orgasm for women, we're like, sitting there, we're like, this isn't great at all.

Men know what they're doing because they've masturbated since they were 13 years old.

Mel: I know. But when they're. When they're a lot younger,

the goal is to. Is to. Is to. Is to come. Yeah. So I think,

you know,

often they can do it when it's not all. Exactly amazing. Yeah. There's a big difference between.

And, you know, obviously I can be corrected.

Having an amazing experience as a man and it being just amazing and think this woman's really hot and blah, blah, blah, and just, you know, doing the business. Right.

Suzie : But I think that's way more about the connection and the woman of, like, who you're having sex with.

Mel: Of course it is.

Suzie : Than it is about, like, how you're having sex.

Mel: He may not know if he doesn't know. Right. That there's an issue. Right, Right. I mean, that's the thing. Right. If he doesn't know that he's having sex with somebody and she's not relaxed.

Because at the end of the day, if you've got all this going on in your. Women just do this thing. You can't. You can't fake. Right? Yeah. Well, you can't even fake relaxing.

Yeah. You're just sort of like, you know, kind of thing. If he doesn't even know that,

then they gotta go a step further back. He should,

from. If he's been with her for a long time, should know from her body what her body's doing. I mean, that's the thing that's interesting to me. Men can tell if you're in the mood, if you're relaxed, if they've been with you a very long time, they can feel you.

They can feel.

Suzie : Or if you've always been uptight, though it's hard to do that.

Mel: Yeah.

Suzie : But I mean, like, here's the other problem. Right.

Mel: Sense of this.

Suzie : Here's the other problem. Women fake orgasms.

We just do.

We fake them all the time.

Even if a woman knows her body,

she's like, get it the **** over with. I don't want to have sex right now.

And I. Or I'm not enjoying it or I have too much going on in my mind. And so the woman is. Now doesn't know why she's faking it. I'm like, because this woman has never had fun in bed, pretty much, is.

Mel: What she's saying, I would assume. Yeah. Yeah.

Suzie : So she's been either faking them to get the man off her.

Mel: Yeah.

Suzie : And just like, get, get over with the experience.

Mel: That's what you've been doing.

Suzie : And so if you are with a partner for a long time, and we don't know if that's the case with this one, but if you're with your male partner and you've been faking orgasms now for however long, and all of a sudden you're like, I have never come with you.

Mel: No, she can't say that. Obviously, that's cruel.

Suzie : But then if he's like, well,

you've seemed like, like he'll ask. How could you not ask the question if you're saying what she should be doing is like, talking to him, Being like, I don't know how to get there.

I don't know if I'm having fun. And he's like, well, you've been having orgasms. And she'll be like, no, I've always been faking it. Like, that is an extremely hard conversation to have.

Mel: It's awful.

Suzie : So she has to figure out what makes her come first.

Mel: Yeah. Okay. I mean, I just think.

I mean, I hope she. If she could do that, great. I just think the reality is that might be very, very difficult. Difficult.

Suzie : And either way, it's gonna be painful for my partner.

Mel: I mean, look at it this way. If she suddenly figures it out and she suddenly starts having sex with this guy and she's going to completely change,

Right? If she's actually really, really enjoying it. Yeah. He's even like, who the hell are you?

Suzie : Right.

Mel: What's been going on? Right. So he's going to find out one way or another. Right.

Suzie : But it's better if she's, like, getting wet and having fun and, like, being a slip and slide than, like, being, like, still, like, uptight and like, being like, help me come.

And he's like, I thought I was making you come.

Mel: Okay, but that's the thing. I think maybe that's also an age thing that I think a lot of men,

and to be fair, I don't think they're really taught it. They're not really taught to worry about what's going on with a woman. Like, is she happy?

Suzie : 100%.

Mel: And I think, amazingly, there are a lot of young men who still don't know this.

The goal is to.

Is the male's pleasure, basically. I mean, that's the way sex has been constantly.

Suzie : I was taught to.

Mel: Yeah, of course.

That's a construct of society. That's the way you, you know, **** was. And so On. And I'm not saying this in a critical way. This is just the way it is.

Absolutely. And so a lot of people, and I can think of older people who have never enjoyed sex.

The woman, I mean,

because it's just something you have to do, like make the dinner, make a cup of tea.

Suzie : You know, have sex with your husband.

Mel: Clean the toilet, clean the bath. It's pretty much it.

Suzie : And I think the problem is orgasms are not on the list of things to do.

Mel: And if you met somebody when you were very young and so neither of you knew what the hell was going on, so nobody ever really figured it out. So you're coming at it from somebody who has experience, who's had multiple partners, who knows what the bad and the good is.

We could be talking about two people who have no idea of either of it.

So it's a real kind of mess. So he doesn't know. He has no idea. He's just.

Well, this is what we do on a Saturday night.

Suzie : Yeah.

Mel: We go out down the pub or go for dinner or whatever we do. Then we have a quick roll on top, roll off. That's it.

And you're laughing at me. But that.

Suzie : No, I roll on top of it. It's funny. I'm sorry.

Mel: Lots of people. Lots and lots and lots.

Suzie : Of course it is. Because women just don't just want to get it over with if they're not having fun.

Mel: Well, because it's the worst thing in the world.

Suzie : Oh, it is.

Mel: It's just like, oh, my God. You know when, you know, it's like watching paint dry. Yeah. It's like,

this is not fun at all.

It's probably uncomfortable, which I'm surprised. She's not really uncomfortable. And the more uncomfortable you get, the more you just. Your body naturally sort of almost shuts down from it. And as a woman, whereas a man doesn't.

Look, this is a hugely complicated thing.

I would love to say that she could go off and,

you know, find out a little bit more about herself and be fine. But I think even that eager to.

Suzie : Change, though, she seems eager to figure out. So if she is, then she can go in a bath, take 15 minutes.

Mel: That's true. If you can do it. If you can try and. Because it depends, we don't know if, you know, they have arguments or whatever it is.

Suzie : She doesn't even say she has a partner, though she might be totally single girl.

Mel: That's true. Well, look, that's just. That's just.

Suzie : So here's the other thing. Like, for A man for the men listening.

Mel: If you feel she does say, I'm married, I'm married. I've never enjoyed sex.

So she's very far down the road. We're like deep in the trenches of this. Being very unhappy.

Suzie : Yeah.

Mel: If it is at all possible for her to figure this out herself,

to take a little time calmly,

to not be embarrassed, to be on her own somewhere that is a nice environment,

the bathroom,

the bedroom probably is not gonna work if you live with somebody. But wherever you can be that you are on your own. I don't know when the other person goes out and you really know that, you know nobody's coming in.

Yeah. The cleaner's not gonna turn up.

Suzie : I hope not. The kids aren't gonna come home.

Mel: The kids. Your mom's got a key,

whatever it is,

figure out a place where you can be alone. I would agree with that,

but I do think you're gonna have to have some kind of consciousness. Well, no.

Suzie : For the men listening. And if you feel like your partner's not enjoying sex.

Mel: Right.

Suzie : Like if you are with your woman and she isn't enjoying sex. Sex for women has a lot to do with our stress levels and like what we're thinking about, of course.

So, like, if you can make your wife's or your partner's life less stressful,

the more likely she is going to feel comfortable having an orgasm. If she's always stressed about the cleaning,

the in laws, the children,

the dog, if she has too much on her plate, the last thing she's gonna want is an orgasm. So if you can just take one thing off her plate or just like be more empathetic or appreciative or anything like that to make her feel better, to want to have sex with you and to have more fun having sex with you,

then try to do that. I mean, it's, it's. I, I wish that more men were just more aware of the fact that women need a better environment.

Emotionally, physically,

everything,

mentally.

Mel: Yeah. Look, to have sex, men have sex to relax. Women need to be relaxed to have sex.

Suzie : Absolutely.

Mel: And there in it lie the problem. Now, if you are in a situation where you're married, you have stresses in your life, you have children,

there's no way, pretty much he can probably do anything very, very quickly to change the stress. Other than kind of generally being a little kinder or calmer or less grumpy or whatever,

there are realities. Somebody may not be able to suddenly hire a cleaner or get the kids away or whatever it is. But what you can do is figure out moments in time.

Not your life as a whole, but moments of time where you're giving. You're making that person a priority.

You're making that environment calm and nice and lovely and whatever it is that makes the other person tick.

When you've been together a long time, that's the reality in a situation where there's a lot of pressure. You know, let's say you have a business and you have children and you been together a long time or whatever it is.

And the more **** that goes on in life, the more stress, the more that weighs on everything.

But if you can create these kind of pockets of time, it really, really helps.

I just think a lot of men,

as I've heard it a million times, get older and they're like, my wife's checked out. My wife's totally checked out. She's not interested. At no point in that do they think, what is my part to play in that?

Suzie : Yes.

Mel: Right. So I fully understand. And we've done episodes about this. We've had guests on. Women do check out often of sex.

Suzie : What's the first thing that they want to check out of?

Mel: The easiest thing to check out of? Because it's not that. And this is the bit. It's not that they don't want sex. Right. Hello.

Suzie : Who doesn't want to have an orgasm?

Mel: I want to say this many times. They just don't want the bit before it.

Right, Exactly.

All the other **** that they have to do with the man.

Right. They want to get to the end, goal,

feel better, blah, blah, carry on.

Suzie : Right.

Mel: It's the bit.

Please, as a man, consider is the bit before it.

You're not helping her or it's not fun or she's stressed or you're too quick, you take too much time, whatever the above is.

Suzie : Yes.

Mel: Consider your role in this.

Suzie : Yes.

Mel: Somebody does not completely check out because they're happy. It doesn't happen.

Suzie : No, you'd hope not.

Mel: So there are two people in a relationship, what is going on?

And too often I see the woman gets blamed. She gets blamed. She gets blamed. She gets blamed.

She is wrong to check out. Sorry, just not.

She is wrong to check out.

Suzie : Yeah.

Mel: And not talk about why she's checked out. Yeah. And that happens all the time. You check out often around having children because it's a lot of extra to your life. If you are doing all these other things and you add children on top,

they check out and they don't talk about it.

Suzie : They just don't want to talk because they don't feel safe.

Mel: That's.

Suzie : I think that's a big thing. Like, I don't want to communicate. If I. If I feel like my feelings are going to be like. Well, these feelings don't matter.

Mel: Well, feeling safe is a very, like, modern way of putting it. They don't want to say it because they think the person's not going to listen. I don't think that's necessarily the same thing as I feel like it's like, well, no.

Suzie : Feeling mentally safe, though. Feeling like you're. You actually going to be taken seriously.

Mel: That's a very millennial way of putting it.

Suzie : Well, it's true. I feel like when I don't feel like I'm going to be heard in any way, then why the **** am I saying anything? But that's a feeling safe mentally.

Mel: Okay, so if we're talking to different generations, it would be like feeling heard if you. Because nobody of my generation.

Suzie : Well, not being, like, scoffed at or like any scoffed.

Mel: Gosh, that's very British.

Suzie : I'm a British girl now.

Mel: Yeah. Being heard. If you don't feel that you can be heard, the person's gonna listen to you,

take you seriously, not laugh.

Think about how we're gonna figure this out together. You're not even gonna bother. And what happens.

Suzie : Feeling defensive. I think that's also a thing too. Right?

Mel: And it's just gonna keep going and going and going. You know, sweep it under the rug.

Life. There are. I say this, Susie, all the time. There are seven days a week, 24 hours in the day. There's only so much ******* time. So you just go, okay, whatever, I'll deal with it tomorrow.

And then tomorrow never comes.

Suzie : I just feel like there. I mean, and I. I said this before, but, like,

the problem is that women,

we fake orgasms and we never talk about it. And we do it. We're like, oh, okay, just get it over with. I'm gonna fake an orgasm, blah, blah, blah.

And you get into this pattern of like, okay, when he wants to have sex with me, I'm gonna fake an orgasm to get the **** out of there. So we're not even focusing anymore.

Women aren't even focusing on having good sex. We're focusing on having sex and then.

But getting out as quickly as possible, moving on.

And it's not a man's fault to figure out that a woman is faking an orgasm, because we are very, very good at it. It's not fair, and it's not fair.

And we do it all the time, and it's like women, I tell all my friends to stop faking orgasm. It just doesn't make sense. If this is your partner, if this is someone you actually see, you want to see seriously,

because, I mean, hookups happen and you can't always come with a hookup. But like, if you're seeing someone seriously and you are faking, what's the point? What is the point?

And how is that person ever gonna know how to make you calm if that's not even a possibility, that you're like, allowing yourself?

Mel: But that goes back to my communication thing because I think a lot of women think that you love communication. Men can read their minds.

Suzie : Yeah, of course.

Mel: And, you know,

I would like to say I'm British, so to say communication, it's pretty evolved of me. And I've had to. And that's why I'd like to say I've really had to work on it.

Yes, really had to work on it. It is not necessarily the easiest thing for me at the beginning and I've worked on it and I've got to this point,

but it's really important because otherwise, what is the point? What are you doing?

And you know,

I know, I know how hard it is. I know how difficult it is. But that's the thing. Women,

you know, you cannot assume that men know what the **** you're thinking, what the **** you're talking about. You know, the fact that you think he should be taking me out.

And do you. Most women just think, oh, he should know.

And kind of. Yeah, but you can kind of. What did move him in the direction of that? What was.

Suzie : Mel and I went shopping yesterday and there was these two women beside us who were just like while we were waiting for the tube and you. They were talking **** about their husband.

Mel: It was hilarious. So they were probably in the. I'd say like good looking women.

Suzie : They were like about your age, though.

Mel: No, I'd say they were a little bit older.

Suzie : Okay. They were cute, though.

Mel: Yeah, they were both cute, like nicely dressed and kind of fun. They were probably actually in their 60s and they really think anyone said no?

Suzie : No, I think that I thought they looked great though.

Mel: But I think it was just the way they were talking and they were both talking about how because they. Somebody just had a birthday. Okay. I think they said a 60th.

That's. I knew they were.

Suzie : Okay.

Mel: Yeah, yeah. And they were like, you know,

and they were South African and I'm not gonna do that accent and insult anyone, but anyway,

they were talking about how they would Plan their husband. They planned. The one woman was talking to the other woman saying, I've planned the birthday and I've done all this stuff, and I've got the music and I got the gift, and it's in this great location.

Yeah. And when it was my 60th, nothing. And the other woman was just like. And he had 10 years from when you were 50 to think about this, to plan this,

to save.

And they were just going off, and then they just started this whole thing. And I was thinking, well,

yeah, but I mean, he doesn't know that because maybe he's never given you anything and you've never said anything. So he thought, you don't want anything. And that's the way a lot of men think.

They're just like, what the ****? What do you mean? What do you mean? They literally. Like, what do you mean? What do you mean? Yeah, I don't know. This is a thing.

If you told me it was a thing, I would know it was a thing. Right.

And I was like. It was so funny because I was like, oh, my God, I hear these conversations all the time. And even, like, I talked to my husband, and he's like,

what do you mean? What do you mean? Like, what are you talking about? I don't know. It's a thing because we're like.

Suzie : We're thinking about. We're constantly thinking about it.

Mel: And you think. Because it's in my head, that he should somehow feel the energy extraterrestrial mind wave, being able to see what's going on in my brain. And that goes for everything.

So, I mean, my last comment is,

I think this is a very big thing for this woman. I'm not in any way underestimating it.

Suzie : It's a big thing because she even wrote into us about this.

Mel: Yeah. And she's obviously, she wants to change.

And my advice would be,

you know, I mean, if. If she can talk to anybody, that would be helpful, because it's a lot of things.

Suzie : Talk to anybody. Like who?

Mel: I mean, if she has a friend who would be sympathetic or she doesn't necessarily have to go and see somebody, But I just think it's a lot to weigh you down, to carry around in the world.

Probably she can't, because she's going to be so embarrassed, which I totally understand. Yeah.

Suzie : Because of the religion part.

Mel: But. Yeah. Well,

even if she's not religious anymore, and that was her background, she's going to be so far down this thing,

so far in the trenches of this situation.

How do you kind of crawl your way out. It's very difficult.

You're somebody who's very open and finds this very easy. Most people. No, I know. And I know the older you get, the longer it goes, the worse it is.

Suzie : Yeah.

Mel: And you can think like, how the **** are these people married? And they don't talk to each other. I mean, welcome to the. You know, I think 95% of marriages, people don't talk to each other.

Suzie : No. And I can completely empathize with her, even if I don't know her situation, because I remember the. And even. Even though I was a lot younger, obviously, and I was still very open sexually, I remember how frustrating it was to not have an orgasm and to, like, not know what that's like when having sex.

And like, I'm just like, what is wrong with me? You actually believe if you cannot orgasm as a woman during sex, you actually believe that there's something wrong with you if you don't have the education around.

Not most women don't have orgasms during sex.

Mel: Penetrative sex.

Suzie : Exactly. And so you literally just, like, you feel horrible about it and then you don't. And then there's that huge shame about that. So not even bringing the religious part into that, but there's just, like, the personal shame about, like, being like, what's wrong with me?

I can't do this. I can't do this for him.

I'm not having fun, so it makes me more stressed. And then I just want to get it over with. And there's just, like, such a snowball effect.

So it is. I would still say. I know. And I know what you're saying. Cause it is a generational thing.

Mel: But.

Suzie : And she has a husband and she has a partner, so it's like. But she still needs to figure out what she personally wants.

Mel: I agree. I agree.

Suzie : She cannot rely on a man for that.

Mel: No, I agree with that. She needs to know herself. She needs to understand perhaps what the issue is.

But she does need to talk to him. I mean, I really think, like, oh, my God, you're with this person for so long.

But again,

find a way. You don't have to have. And I say this. I think I've said this to you many times. You don't have to solve everything in the first conversation.

No, just start a little conversation right about.

And don't make it about him.

Make it about you.

Don't make it about blame, just about talking.

Just baby steps, quite literally. If the conversations in life are big,

don't assume.

And this is Something that men do. They think, I'm gonna have a conversation. It's all gonna be foot salted. No, you could, you could maybe have to have 50 conversations over five years or 50 conversations over a year, whatever it is.

But start talking in a small way to get to where you need to be. Yeah.

Because you will never solve something like this that has been going on for years and years and years that you are finding incredibly difficult in one conversation. It's not gonna happen.

Right. So if you can find a way of starting even just to talk to him generically about sex. Not even about this. Right. You might get to it. Right.

In the meantime, if you can try and do something,

that would be great. But I do appreciate that that might be incredibly difficult. Yeah. Because if you're talking religion, well, that's a no. No. For a lot of religions,

you know, self pleasure is not. Is not really obvious.

Yeah.

Suzie : And she didn't say which religion it was.

Mel: But, you know, so for most religions it's not.

Suzie : Okay.

Mel: I'm very, very, very empathetic because I think this is an.

Love it. If generically women could kind of almost stop going on and on about some of the things we talk about today and maybe talk more about these issues that men don't actually know because they're never taught that.

Most women don't.

Suzie : No. Exactly.

Mel: Penetrative sex is not the be all and end all. And it doesn't actually, it doesn't work for a lot of women.

It's part of a melange of things you can do. Do you like that? I do. But it's a lot of women,

they are not weird if they cannot climax during penetrative sex. It's not weird. It's really common.

And that they may need whatever other stimulation and that probably the older they get, the more that happens.

And that if men actually knew this, which does involve women telling them, they might be like, oh, okay. Because that's the other thing is they think they're weird because they can't get you to where you should be.

But it's not them either. No. And I think if we had more conversations about sex, we're not just about women and just about. About collectively we might actually get on better.

But that goes across all the conversations we have. Susie. I know. It's nobody's fault. It's not a man's fault, it's not a woman's fault. This is collectively.

We need to talk about it and stop blaming and saying you do this and you do that.

Yeah. Anyway.

Suzie : Well, the man has to be more. I mean the man also has to be open about.

And I think for. And I'm very lucky in my generation.

I feel like the older millennials at least and even Gen Xers. Cause you know, I've been with a few Gen Xers. Like it is really, it makes such a difference to a woman's sexual experience if the man really cares about her having pleasure and having fun and having.

And like making like wanting to make her orgasm, wanting to make her come. It's makes such a difference for the guy to even ask questions like during sex, like, do you like that?

Like what can I. Like what do you like, what makes you come? Like literally asking that question,

literally being like, what makes you come? Like, what do you like? Do you like when I do this? And you don't have to be like, it doesn't have to be like a questionnaire but like just like doing it in a sexy way and like being in, in the bed and like,

you know, like kissing and being like, what do you like? Do you like when I kiss your neck? Like. Cause there's all these tiny little things that make a woman wet.

And like, I think for men they're just like, oh, well, you know, like, you want me to like finger you a little bit and then like put it in and then you know what I mean, it's just like, okay.

But like that doesn't get me going. Like you need, I. Women need 15 minutes plus of foreplay to actually get themselves ready for penetration.

And so I don't think enough men or collectively wanting to understand or like, because there is the Internet, guys, like, you can look this up.

Mel: Yeah.

Suzie : And so if you want to, if you want to make a woman orgasm, you want to make her come, you have to ask her questions and you have to allow her to feel comfortable enough to answer those questions honestly.

Mel: Absolutely.

Suzie : And yeah, and there's the Internet.

Mel: But yeah, I mean my final thing would be like you mentioned about Gen Xs and Gen X men,

but those are probably men who've been in relationships. They've been with women, they have some experience.

Gen X is a specific generation. We're kind of not. We don't have the,

all the stuff of our parents and the boomers. Like we were born in a different time, so we're not sort of held back by all this super old fashioned **** yet.

We have more experience.

You know, we grew up in the 90s and yeah, basically, yeah, we grew up in the 90s. So it's.

Suzie : Yes, sex is way more Open than it was in, like, the.

Mel: It was completely open.

Suzie : Well, even the 60s was a free loving place. No, not really.

Mel: A lot of people. I mean, that's not a whole. Anyway, we wish this woman. I wish this woman well.

Suzie : Oh, absolutely. And I do believe that she will figure it out because she's already on the right step of, like, amazing, wanting to be like, yes, I want to have fun.

What can I do?

Mel: Writing in. How can I do this? The first step is recognizing there's an issue.

The second step is railing into our podcast. Absolutely. No, but I mean, the fact is that she's articulated it, she's talked about it. Yeah. Huge. Yeah. So I believe in you.

You can figure this out. Yes.

Suzie : Girl, I'm so proud of you. And, you know, hopefully your husband's a wonderful guy. Obviously, you're having sex still.

Mel: I think so.

Suzie : That's. That's good. Some couples aren't even having sex.

Mel: That's true.

Suzie : So let's look on the bright side.

Mel: Good point. Yeah. And you can figure this out, but. But it's not going to take two seconds. But the fact that, you know, you have to figure it out, that you've done something about it is pretty awesome because most people wouldn't even bother.

Suzie : And if you follow this advice or this helped you at all, write us in again and let us know how it went. And,

you know, we'd love to help out if we can, but yeah, we're so happy that you're. You're making the first step and we believe you can do it either, you know, ********** or communicate which.

Or both.

Mel: Wow.

Suzie : Probably both.

Mel: Yeah. It's good.

Suzie : A little bit of from you, Mel. A little bit for me.

Mel: Yeah. That's nice.

Suzie : That's nice.

Mel: Yeah.

Suzie : Okay. Love you guys so much. If you guys have any stories like this or you want to ask Melan or I any questions, you can go to sharemytuth.com where you can go and leave us a voicemail or an email, or you can also DM us on any of our socials at ShareMyTruthPod and we'll catch you next time.

Mel: Bye.

Suzie : Bye.

Mel: Thanks so much for listening. Please rate and review this podcast and follow us on social at sharingmytruth pod and leave us a voicemail on our website sharingmytruth.com to share your stories and experiences with us.

We'll see you next time.

Bye. Bye.

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