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Episode 32  -  the truth About Sexless MArriage
Melany Krangle & Suzie Sheckter

Speaker A: Welcome to sharing my truth with Mel and Suzie.

Speaker B: The uncensored version where we bear it all. We do 12340 I love hello everyone. Thank you so much for being here. I'm Susie and this is Mel. And this is sharing my truth pod. And if you want to leave us a cute little review rating review little five star, we would absolutely appreciate that and we love you so much. And don't forget to follow all our socials at Sharing My Truth Pod or leave us a voicemail or message. Share your truth with Hey babes.

Speaker A: Hello my darling.

Speaker B: Oh hello my love.

Speaker A: I'm fabulous. I'm just always good in the house of Melanie.

Speaker B: Oh, I love the House of Melanie. You know how much I love the house of almost it's actually better than the house of Barbie because there is sancerre at every doorway.

Speaker A: I know. I'm not stupid, am I? I know the house. Have you seen the Barbie movie?

Speaker B: Not yet, but I will very soon and I think we should actually see it together.

Speaker A: Maybe we should.

Speaker B: That'd be so fun and we should wear pink and it'll be so cute.

Speaker A: Yeah, maybe we should do like I'm not really sure what to expect but maybe that's good.

Speaker B: Apparently it's really ******* good. Like not just like it's cute and kind of a funny movie. Apparently people find it very emotional and I played with Barbies my entire.

Speaker A: It'S.

Speaker B: Just right in there with your inner child. Just like please give me what you know.

Speaker A: But Barbie is very on a quick segue. Nothing to do with this. Barbie is very American. In England. We had Cindy dolls. Did you have Cindy dolls?

Speaker B: No way. I had no I have no idea what that is.

Speaker A: Totally different looking doll. And I also had Barbies. But we have Cindy's. I don't know if they still have.

Speaker B: Cindy's but I had different are they cute?

Speaker A: They sort of physically look yeah, they look like the doll but the head from my memory I think the head's bigger than all that. Yeah.

Speaker B: Do they dress like in cute things like Barbie does?

Speaker A: Well I think when know we're going back a while to say Cindy I mean Susie. So I don't really remember to be honest with you. And my girls kind of liked Barbies but not excessively. But anyway yeah it was a little.

Speaker B: After their time I think there know this is before like Barbie was before the electronic.

Speaker A: Choice.

Speaker B: Playing with Barbies was the only thing to do. So yeah it was ******* the best. Remember scissoring them? It was the perfect crime of course.

Speaker A: What do you mean exactly by scissoring?

Speaker B: Because the Barbies are like their little legs are like this and so you.

Speaker A: Just that's what I thought you meant.

Speaker B: And it's the funniest thing to do.

Speaker A: I thought this is Susie. Obviously there's a sexual connotation. I thought you meant scissoring as Barbies. Really? That was everyone?

Speaker B: Yep. Wow. Even about wow. You did. Mel, this is the first sexual experience.

Speaker A: Wow. Okay. Fascinating. And now I really want to see the Barbie movie. Holy ****.

Speaker B: They're not putting scissoring in the Barbie movie. They're telling lies.

Speaker A: Okay.

Speaker B: What?

Speaker A: This is okay. I've got a whole new perspective.

Speaker B: Good.

Speaker A: Anyway. Okay.

Speaker B: And that kind of brings us into what we're talking about today. Mel, take it away. Love.

Speaker A: It does, doesn't it? So we've had a few of our listeners write into us or send us messages about sexless marriages that their marriages are sexless. And not that they necessarily started like that, but they ended up like that. So they've ended up in a state of basically being almost like roommates and not having sex at all. And it's pretty distressing, really, if you've been married a long time and you like and love or like or whatever it is your emotion is towards your partner, but there's no intimacy, there's no sexual contact. It's pretty distressing. And these listeners have written into us and asked us what we think, what asked us to answer the question. So hence why we're doing this podcast. And I actually think it's a huge subject for people. I don't think it just affects men. I think it affects women. I e men who, for whatever reason, don't want to have sex anymore in their marriage or their relationship. I don't think it has anything necessarily to do with marriage. I think it's just at some point, for many reasons, a connection can go, and it can cause a lot of distress. Understandably so that's what we're talking about.

Speaker B: I think a lot of people in long term relationships deal with this. Obviously, if you're dealing with this year in, there's still time to break up. Maybe you're not right for each other. If you both are feeling like you're not getting enough sex. Like, a year in is very early for this. But we're talking about five years, even six years. I know I've dealt with this in my seven year relationship where you're like, why the **** aren't we having sex? We love each other, we're attracted to each other, but is it like we just don't want to? Is it the time? Is it the stress? What's going on? What's the problem? What's the initial problem? And I think there's obviously ebbs and flows in this, and that's kind of how it went for my personal experience. But, yeah, you just kind of figure it out. You have to kind of don't think that this is the be all, end all. I think it's like sometimes it comes and sometimes it goes, and it definitely is about what's happening in your life, but sometimes it's about your kids, which I don't obviously have yet. And it's just about the job that you're super stressed about. The kids thing. How do you get over that, right? They're there till they're ******* 18 or later, and you have to deal with these little angels, obviously mel running around and invading your personal space constantly. How do you have sex when there's kids around all the time? That's just such a hard thing to understand. Do you explain to the kids that, oh, sorry, Mummy and Daddy need their time for like, 2030 minutes? Give us our time and then we'll be right back down? I don't know how couples do it.

Speaker A: Well, I can answer the question, please. So I think in answer to what you like, in adding to what you've said about ebbs and flows, I think there are ebbs and flows in everyone's life for pretty much everything, and sex is one of those. And when you have that sort of instant kind of connection, animalistic, whatever it is, thing, obviously that changes because life gets in the way and life is all consuming, like you said, your job, and you're stressed and you're not feeling hot to trot, if you like, you're not feeling really sexy. And that's the point. You have to work at it, even if you're not feeling it, and you have to communicate that you're not feeling it and perhaps why. But in terms of kids, I mean, it's not just having the kids. It's when you, as a woman, have had a child, which is generally deeply uncomfortable. Let me tell you, whether you've had bits and bobs, nipped and chopped down below, or you've had a Caesarean, which I had too, it's very uncomfortable. And obviously that's not top of your list of priorities. And you definitely don't feel very sizzlingly hot and sexy, so it's not what you're thinking. And then you're tired and so on. So that's a whole different thing. And I think couples, it's impossible for them to know when they have the child, how it's going to feel, but they do need to just keep coming back to each other, talking. I know friends of mine who didn't have sex for like a year after their first baby. Yeah. And they're still together. I don't even know how because my husband wouldn't have coped with that. But it can be very difficult, can be very emotional when you have children, little children. Yeah, it's tough. And you have to have boundaries. You have to have your children in a routine. They go to sleep and then Mummy and Daddy have time in the evening. And that's actually a very British thing. We're very structured with our kids. They go to bed, they have dinner at the same time every night, and then they go to bed and they have a bath and everything happens at the same time and sort of like Mary Poppins. And it actually does work, but it's true. And it means that the evening is for the parents, whatever it is they're doing, whether they're passing out in front of the TV or they're getting a bit jiggy, you have to do it when you have that safe space. Because the other thing is especially and often it's women. You're terrified these children are going to come down. And I do know friends, quite a few friends, where children have walked in and it's just like, oh, my God, they didn't even know, kind of thing. And it's not easy, and it's not about you. I personally don't think you don't talk to your children about that. I'm very open minded. But that's a line. You don't need to talk about that. But what you do need to talk about is that everyone needs their private space. So if somebody has a door on their bedroom, you knock before you come in. And I've taught my children that from a very young age. You don't just barge into somebody's room or somebody's space or somebody's house or whatever it is. You knock, you wait, you come in, and I do the same to my kids. I knock the door, I wait for an answer, I go in. Because it's your private space. Whatever's going on, as far as I'm concerned or what I've said to the kids on the other side of the door is none of your business. You're going into that person's space. So I taught my children that, and I think that's really, really important to remember that everyone is an individual. Everyone deserves space. And kids don't understand, and obviously it's gross to them that their parents are having sex, but you can teach them the concept of private space and stuff like that. So, yeah, of course you don't go, hey, kids, just going upstairs for half an hour. No, see you in half an hour. You can't do that. You got to do it in the morning or the evening or whatever when they go out.

Speaker B: I read an article. Also, here's the thing, okay, there's one more thing, and then I'm going to say this.

Speaker A: Absolutely.

Speaker B: It's really hard for women, I think, because it's like proven that women are more horny in the afternoons. And so at like two yeah, it's like at 203:00 when we want to do stuff, we're dealing with so many other things, and we obviously cannot, and that's especially with kids.

Speaker A: I just wanted to say that because.

Speaker B: It'S like yes, obviously at night or early, early in the morning, if you can, but at night, everyone's ******* tired. I'm tired and I don't have kids.

Speaker A: 100%.

Speaker B: That's what's crazy about this.

Speaker A: 100% agree with that. I would say that you've hit the nail on the head, Susie. Which is why a lot exactly, a lot of women, a lot of people have problems in their relationship is because they're not actually having sex when they want to be having sex. Because, like I said, life gets in the way. And the morning generally, most women are like, I smell and I this, and I want to do my hair, and I want to have a shower, or whatever it is. And women also, at the end of the day, I think, generally. And I don't know anything about science to do with this, but I know myself and I know a lot of my friends. Like, your mind's going round thinking about all the work things you have to do, all the kind of stuff you have to do in the house, all the kids things. And if your mind is going round like that, you just cannot relax. You cannot get into the thing. And like you said, if it's late in the day, you're like, oh, my God, I got nothing left. And I've certainly had that. And you're a mother. You're working, you're not working. It's completely irrelevant. You're busy. You get to about 09:00 10:00 at night, and that's it, you're done. There's nothing there. And you're right, it's absolutely a problem. It's not ideal at all. And I think you have to get a bit creative with it. Susie like we've said, this actually brings.

Speaker B: Into my next point. Okay, so I read this article, and I wish I could find it because it was so interesting, and I was like, this is so cringey. But I read the whole thing. So this couple, this woman wrote in being like, so it's one of those articles, it's like an agony aunt kind of thing, but she's just telling her story and she's like, yeah, so my husband and I, we tell our kids that we're having sex because that's weird because this is what she's saying, because it's super normal. We want it super normalized in our house, being like, we want to tell our kids, like, hey, give us 30 minutes. We're going to go upstairs. There's a sign if there's like a fan on or something like that. We're having our time in our room and you cannot bother us unless it's an emergency, obviously. And that's how they deal with it. And then their kids are just like, oh, yeah, mom and dad are having sex. We can't bother them right now. And this is literally what these people are doing. And I'm not saying this is correct or right or whatever, but I just found that very interesting, being, like, someone who doesn't have kids and someone who's being like, obviously, how do you **** when you are even in the space with kids? Do you kind of just inform them and educate them on the fact that you are going to be having sex? Because you guys are adults and we can do whatever we want, and this is how we're doing it. And I know that makes me very uncomfortable because I'm like, look, I don't want to think about my parents having sex, but maybe that's because it wasn't normalized. I don't know. I don't know the answer.

Speaker A: Yeah, I think it's a good question. I don't know the answer either. I think it's for me anyway, personally, and it's always about personally, how you raise your children or whatever. That would be a step too far. And I'm also a big believer in your private life, is your private life what you're doing behind closed doors? And I mean to everyone other than the people involved behind and however many there are. Susie, did you like that? I've just added that in.

Speaker B: I did.

Speaker A: Behind the closed door. It's between those people, the figurative closed door. It's up to them. And I think it's pretty difficult for children to understand that. And my fear would be I would always be like, oh my God, you'd always be waiting for somebody to come and knock the door. And that I just don't understand how you can relax. I mean, that's the way I would be. And I know a lot of people are like that. They're just thinking, oh my God, they're going to come in, they're going to knock the thing, or something's going to crisis is going to happen. And that's life. But I think if you're also affectionate with your partner, with your husband, wife, whatever, then and your children see that, I think they also see a level of intimacy. They see that you connect with each other, if that makes sense. If you kiss and you touch, not like intimate touch, but you're affectionate and you kiss, which we've always done in front of our kids. So they know that you're having a relationship. You don't need to spell it out. But personally, I think you keep it for me personally, you keep it behind closed doors. And there are lots of ways of, like I said, like teaching kids that your door is there for a reason and so on. And it's just as much for you. It's your private behind your door, I'm private behind my door, that sort of thing. But I don't know, I would find that tough. But I guess everyone's got to do what they've got to do.

Speaker B: Yeah. And honestly, I respect the honesty of these parents, and it's not like we're going to have an open door policy and you can come in. It's like no, it's like the adults are having time. Just like, let's say one of them worked from home and they had to be in the office and they don't bother them. It's kind of the same thing, except for they're actually just spelling it out, being like, adults need their time, we're doing it. Just knock if it's an emergency, but otherwise please don't bother us.

Speaker A: Yeah.

Speaker B: It's just a very interesting way of doing it.

Speaker A: Yeah. And I think you can sort of say this is private time. I don't think you have to necessarily spell out what you're doing.

Speaker B: Then they're going to come in. I feel like if you don't say.

Speaker A: If, it's like, oh, not necessarily. No.

Speaker B: You don't think so?

Speaker A: Not necessarily. Kids, I don't know, it depends. Know my kids from a young age, nothing to do with sex, but whenever they saw me or Max on the phone and probably Max is permanently glued to his phone, talking for business. They know, be quiet. If you're with dad and you're out and about and he's on the phone, you keep quiet. You don't start going, dad, no, he's working and he's working, and that's important for all of us, so keep quiet. I think it's just about teaching them, but I think the kid thing is part of sexless marriage. But of course, there are lots of couples who don't have children 100%, and they go down this road. And I think that's a thing is you start a pattern, is you go down a road and something happens and something changes. And that could be a myriad of different things. And I did like just going to quick, I'll interject with some facts here, just because it's relevant to this. And again, I'll put this in the blog, but in basically they said that there are different kinds of reasons why it happens. One could actually be health. I mean, if you have something that's happened to you, like a health reason, which could be anything, and therefore you stop having sex, and then you get into a pattern, and then you just let it go and go and go. Another thing can be right from the start if your libidos are mismatched, which is pretty much common in most couples, I mean, nobody's identically matched. And at the beginning, maybe it's okay because you're in that hazy phase. Do you like that? I love that. And then you just kind of can't be bothered anymore, and it sort of wanes off. Then we just discussed childbirth for all those different reasons. Communication, people get board and then they don't say anything, and blah, blah, blah. Stress is a big one, like, you've talked about work stress. What if you have financial stress or any of those things? Just is an absolute libido killer in men. Erectile dysfunction, huge problem, and a huge problem in men who are so embarrassed about it and so ashamed that they don't even tell their partner of I don't know how many years that they're having this issue. So rather than deal with it, I do understand literally, it goes to the core of your manhood. I know I'm not a woman, but I understand that that is I know.

Speaker B: I'm not a woman.

Speaker A: Did I say I'm not a woman? Not a man.

Speaker B: I know I'm not a woman, but I'm delirious.

Speaker A: Yes, I'm definitely not a man. It goes to the core of your manhood, and I think it can be incredibly well, I mean, you know, I have great sympathy because it's very, very difficult, but if you don't talk to your partner that you're having this issue or go and see a medical professional and you just keep going, oh, everything's fine. I'm just stressed today. And that can go on and on and on and on. Yeah, and I certainly know people where that's happened, and they just don't ever talk about it. And you're just like, what do you mean you don't talk about it? And then there's just the issue of low libido, which can be for all sorts of reasons that happened in your life that has ebbed and flowed. For any of those reasons, I e. Children or stress or health or anything. And you don't discuss it. You just kind of don't talk about it and hope it'll go away. I mean, I think a lot of people do that, don't they? They just sort of, well, let's not talk about it. Let's just hope it goes away.

Speaker B: Yeah, of course I've done that because it's just way easier. And then you kind of get to a point where you're like, I'm literally and then you have to talk to someone, and then talking to your friends is not obviously going to solve the problem. You really have to actually get in there and ******* do the hard work. It's ******* annoying.

Speaker A: That's exactly it. You've said it. And it is, I think, to keep something going, something that's worth it. And I've said this before, and I'll say it again, I don't like the word work, but it's effort. You have to put effort into a relationship, and it's not going to always be easy. I think people assume it's like you're in love and that's enough, and it isn't. You actually have to put some effort into this because you can't be selfish. You have to think about the greater your relationship. You're working together. You're a team, and you have to think about also each other's needs. And you may also be in a part of your life where you don't need sex so much or you don't want it so much, but your partner does. And again, it can depend. It can be men. Women, we always assume sexist marriages. We always assume it's women not wanting to have sex. But that's not true. It's often men not wanting to have sex for some of the reasons that I've said, whether it is that things aren't working with their equipment or health or they're so stressed at work or whatever it is. And the other thing I think and I've thought about this in the last few days because I'm not at home and I've been like going for a walk in the morning, and I see all these couples walking. I guess it's the know everyone's out and they just look so a lot of them disconnected, like they're not touching each you I was talking to Max about it. I say, what do you think it is? And I do think that some people can also and this is men and women. I think it's probably more common in men, but they marry a woman when she's young, when she's 25, when she looks like you. And then the years pass and you don't carry on looking like, are you.

Speaker B: Saying I'm going to look like this? Until I'm 100. Okay, Mel, you are.

Speaker A: But you're going to be a different version of the way you look. You'll look good, but in a different way.

Speaker B: You're right. Keep on getting better looking. So I'm not mad about that exactly.

Speaker A: You'll be fine. Yeah, you'll be fine. But some people don't. And I think that's men and women, they let things go and they are not healthy or whatever. And I'm not just talking about weight. I'm talking about just generically making an effort and looking, feeling good about yourself and the partner. They stay together because they're kind of friends, but they actually don't find each other attractive. Yeah, I think that's bit of the elephant in the room, isn't it? We don't talk about that, but I think it's true. And just watching all these couples, like, walking around and I think it is men and it is women. I think men may be a little bit more guilty of it, but maybe that's not fair. I think women are too, because they look at their husbands and they look more dad like, and they're like, that's not what I fell in love with. Which is a bit harsh.

Speaker B: Yeah, well, I think it's not even the dad. I think it's like a lot like men just start eating like **** or they start drinking beer more and they start getting this kind of weird weight on. And then the men don't want to have sex because they now have a belly or whatever the **** it is. And then you're like, this isn't what I want. I want an active relationship. And this is why people start cheating. That's it. Someone else gives them attention and they're like, oh, I'm still attractive. I'm still a sexual person, but my partner isn't giving it to me, so why can't I get it from somewhere else if I'm never going to get it from this person? And that's, I think, what mostly happens with cheating relationships, sometimes you do have to feel good about yourself. And if your person isn't giving it to you, then it's just so hard, what are you going to do? And they don't seem like they are ever going to give it to you. It's like you do kind of sometimes have to think about your needs and what are you going to do? It's very difficult, obviously, that kind of stance.

Speaker A: I think it is from my point of view, you don't like cheating. You don't like it at all. I don't like it at all. And I know that in many cases, if people talk to each other, they might avoid it. But I'm also a realist and I do understand that you're in the moment, you're out, your stuff happens and you're not going, just a minute, I just got to call somebody. And you're going with the thing because you're a human being and whatever is boiling over and you're going with the thing and you're not definitely not using the head up here. Yeah. Going with a different part of your body, shall we say.

Speaker B: Exactly.

Speaker A: And that's how it happens. The ***** ****** the *****. That's it. I knew if I want it to get real, all I have to do is talk to you, Susie.

Speaker B: Exactly.

Speaker A: But it is 100% true. Yes.

Speaker B: And Susie doesn't lie either. Okay. You get wet from what? You get wet from like you literally cannot help it. It's just like, why does a **** get hard looking at a hot one? It's just the way life is. And we have to accept that.

Speaker A: Is that your saying? The ***** doesn't lie?

Speaker B: The ***** doesn't lie.

Speaker A: I think it's my most favorite and that is even very good English thing you've ever said to me. And you said this to me truth quite a few months ago. And I was like, that is the funniest ******* fake I've ever heard. But it's actually true.

Speaker B: It's 100% true.

Speaker A: It is true.

Speaker B: Never lies, ever.

Speaker A: No, I mean, it's true. You could try to and maybe yourself something, but it's yeah, people need to think.

Speaker B: And that's the same with dryness. Your ***** isn't giving out. I mean, obviously we're talking no, we're not talking about like women have problems with dryness, but we're talking about like if you are trying kind of like if you're young enough and there's just like it's not happening. It's like if you're not trying to get like if you're not wet for this person, most likely it's not good.

Speaker A: Yeah, no, you're right. And also it's not to get into too much detail, because nobody wants to know this. Of course the dryness is when we get older is a different kind of dryness.

Speaker B: Exactly. I'm not talking about that.

Speaker A: Obviously it still gets wet if you.

Speaker B: Like, wait, I did want that information.

Speaker A: Wait, it's more of a dryness in the opening.

Speaker B: Got it. Just use lube, ladies.

Speaker A: Absolutely. Lots and lots of lube and then you'll be completely fine. But you really have to go for it with the lube. And some men don't like that. **** that.

Speaker B: Who cares about that?

Speaker A: There are lots and lots and lots of different kinds of lubes. You'll find something that is so great. But anyway, we're moving on. We're moving on because now we're getting into yes.

Speaker B: I want you to tell us about either your facts or our lovely people that wrote in.

Speaker A: Yeah, so I'm just going to look one of the messages from one of our listeners who wrote in and he just said that it gets less and less frequent. He basically first of all enters a message talking about loveless marriage. And then I asked him actually, it was me. I said it's common. Loveless and sexless marriage are both common. But do you think it starts like that? And is it loveless, sexless? Are they the same thing? And does it end up loveless? And he said he thinks. It ends up loveless. And that living like roommates. So I think he was really talking more about sexless rather than loveless. And I do think those are different things because you can actually love somebody and not want to have sex with them. And in actually one of the articles I was reading for this episode, you can absolutely detest somebody and want to have sex with them, if you think about it logically. So, I mean, it's more that life changes. This is what he said. And that you become more like friends and sex becomes very rare and very vanilla, which is something we've covered before. And that is a problem, obviously. And I've heard this. He said this here, and I've heard so many people say this, that sex becomes a chore. It's like, okay, this is something and I do know that for women, it's a little bit like sometimes it can be, okay, this is on the list, so take out the washing. Take my child to school, go to work. Give husband a blow job so he stops ******* nagging me. It's, like, on your list. And that's horrible in the sense that obviously it's horrible for you and it's horrible for them. And if you honestly think the person on the other end of the blow job, if you are the blowjobber, not the blow job. E doesn't know that. Of course they know. I mean, it's like there was actually all the new show Sex in the City what's the new show called? But in the old one, there's a scene with Miranda, who because they always go the next day where they go and have brunch or whatever they're doing, and they kind of discuss what they did. And she was talking about having sex with her then husband Steve, and that she was like, Just get on with it. And she actually said that, on with it. And they're all horrified. And you're like, yeah, it's a horrible thing to say somebody you can't do that.

Speaker B: You can do it in a sexy way, though.

Speaker A: Oh, yeah. You can do it in a sexy way. In the sense that you can suggest, Why don't we try this?

Speaker B: Why don't you just ******* come on my face done.

Speaker A: Or you could do that, and then that's it. And that generally probably works, I'm sure. But I think you don't have to be, well, a ***** about it.

Speaker B: No, of course not. You have to keep it kind of but also, it's like if you're not having fun, that's also something, right? Like, if the woman is like, I'm actually not enjoying this at all, then obviously there are so many other issues to that. But I don't know. It's hard. Like, if you're literally not enjoying it and you're just like, I just don't know. Get the **** off me already. I can see where these things happen. Because, of course, sometimes, like, you're saying it's a ******* chore, and you're like, this has taken 15 more minutes than it needs to and I have more washing to do or whatever.

Speaker A: And it's like, this is it.

Speaker B: This is over. Get off me.

Speaker A: So it goes back to, I think in my experience yes, my humble opinion is that I think, like I always say, you need to talk about this. And also you need to have an open mind. And people do not have an open mind. And if you are having issues of either you're bored or you're distracted or whatever it is, you need to talk about it. And you need to bring some stuff into the bedroom, so you need to bring like toys and stuff like that. Because if it is an issue of you and I'm thinking probably mostly in this case the woman needing to speed things up or to get more excited and more kind of in the mood, then do that. And then you'll be in the mood and just talk about it. And you don't have to be unkind and you don't have to tell the other person that it's because they're inadequate. It's just because let's change things up. Let's make this more mean. This is the thing we have to get to the crux of this.

Speaker B: Susie, I'm in the crux with you.

Speaker A: Are you in the crux?

Speaker B: I'm in there with the other babes.

Speaker A: She's in the crux. You like that, don't you?

Speaker B: I thought you'd like that one.

Speaker A: I like that is what do people do? What do they do if they are married or they are with somebody for a long period of time? And this can be with children, without children. They don't hate them. They perhaps love them or have very strong feelings. They don't really want to go because they've got and we've talked about this before. We talked about this in a previous episode about divorce. If we're doing a reality check, they've got assets and they've got lots of stuff together and they perhaps also enjoy each other's company. This bit of their relationship sex is not working. And let's take a scenario where this is a man, because it could be the other way, but I'm just taking the scenario that the man is feeling very unloved and very like, I need sex because men do equate. Obviously, I'm not a psychologist, but I think men connect sex much more to love than women do, for sure. And I think the man, if you're in love with a woman and she's not giving you sex, they can't cope with it, whereas a woman can in some ways, and I'm not sure what it is, but she can separate it. And I think it's a biological thing.

Speaker B: Well, it's also like because we don't come every time men literally come, they have literal orgasms, orgasmic experiences. Every time they have sex.

Speaker A: We don't that's it 100%. And they need to get it out of their literal system. It's a need but if their woman, their woman, I hate that. Is not touching them, is not intimate, is not interested in sex, is not like you say, what do you say? The freak and the she in the streets. Exactly. Yes. They can't cope with it. Whereas women often because things are happening in life, you're just like, I'll do it tomorrow. Like, I don't have time today. I'll do it another day. Yeah, okay, blah, blah, blah. And they don't realize that the longer they leave it, the harder the bigger the situation becomes. It becomes worse and worse. Yeah. So what is the answer? I don't know. You don't know what the answer is? I don't know what? I mean, obviously, these few listeners have written into us don't have an answer because I don't know your specific situation. And again, I'm not a doctor, but from my personal experience, as in somebody who's been in a relationship for a long time, I just think, and I don't know why I have to keep saying this. Just talk to each other. Try and figure out what is it, and again, have a conversation. Don't expect everything to be resolved. I mean, let's face it. If you've got to a situation where you've developed a pattern and you're not having sex for a period of time, this hasn't happened in a day. This hasn't happened in a week. This has happened over a period of years, right? So if you then got to the end of the road and you're like, this man has said to us he's living like a roommate, then you cannot expect that you're going to have a conversation with your partner, and all of a sudden, it's going to be, oh, yeah, let's get the lingerie on. Let's get down to it. Let's get jiggy. It's just not going to happen, is it? So if you have a conversation, it's the beginning of perhaps resolving this, but it's going to take some time. And maybe you might seek counseling or whatever, but it is going to take some time. But you actually do have to start a conversation where you are kind, but you're like, okay, this is where we are, and this is an issue for me. I don't think you have to be mean, but I think you have to be honest. Otherwise, for sure, this is going to blow up in your face. That's exactly it's going to go wrong.

Speaker B: I have had this exact issue where it's literally it's just because people get busy, right? Like, you get busy. It's exactly what you're saying. You get busy, you put it off. You put it off, and you're like, when are we going to have sex? What is this? What is this life I've created for myself? Why do I feel like this is not okay? It's been too long. For however long it's been for what you want, for what you're used to, it's like, is it me? Is it them? What is literally happening, and it does start to feel like this is a roommate situation. It's like, yeah, I love you, but what is happening with this where we can't ****, that's it. Why aren't we doing this? Why do you not find me? Maybe that's maybe that is the issue. And how do we get past we? And I always bring this up, mel, you love it so much. Do we open up the relationship? Is that something to talk about seriously? And then come back to each other and be like, is this what we want? Is this not what we want? And divorce doesn't have to be the final. Right? You can always experiment within your relationship, and I think a lot of people forget that.

Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, as you know, this is not for me. Maybe not yet.

Speaker B: You're only 50 love.

Speaker A: Yes, I'm only 50. Okay, but I think you have to have the conversation, and you've got to see where it goes. And again, you're going to start a conversation, and maybe it's going to be let to be real many conversations, because if somebody is the person asking the other person why we're not having sex, it means that one person probably wants it and the other person isn't doing it. So they're going to feel guilty and ashamed or nervous or anxious about how they answer this question. And in truthful, in honesty, that person who doesn't want to have sex may not know why they don't want to have sex. It could be a myriad of different things going on. And even if that's the answer, that's the answer you have to give. You have to say, I don't know, I just don't feel it, or whatever it is, if it is an issue that somebody is not finding the other person attractive, that is incredibly difficult. Yeah, I don't know how you deal with that. But whatever I would say is you have to be really nice about this, because, again, I know lots of couples where they're not very nice and they say horrible things. And let me tell you, if you say horrible things and we've all said things in anger to each other, you can never take those words back. If you say something like, it's because you're fat or it's because you're losing your hair, or it's because you don't look the way you did when you're 25 or if you've had children, your bits down there are a bit loosey goosey.

Speaker B: Oh, my ******* God. Not loosey goosey.

Speaker A: That's a thing.

Speaker B: No, men are oh, my God, I'm.

Speaker A: Going to kill men because it's not so tight. Well, that's completely it's not tight, and it doesn't feel the way it feels when they first were together. And on a complete separate note to all women out there who are going to have a baby, and I say this to you, if you will have a baby too, and your partner is present in the room make absolutely 1000 million percent sure they are not at the other end.

Speaker B: So many people want them to look, though.

Speaker A: No, do not let them look. They can never unsee that. Honest to God. You can never unsee that.

Speaker B: Oh my God, that's so funny. I mean, honestly, I don't want to see it. I don't want to see it. Why would they want to see it?

Speaker A: That's how I think man has to be here. That's what I said to my husband. Brand here now, and he didn't see anything. Because you can't unsee it. You can't.

Speaker B: So many men do, though.

Speaker A: I think they think they do and then they see it and then they want to unsee. So just remember that. That's my piece of advice. I'm just telling you that. But you obviously do whatever you think. But I'm just telling you you can't unsee things.

Speaker B: Bell's advice of the day.

Speaker A: Your lady garden will never be the same.

Speaker B: ******* lady garden.

Speaker A: Oh my it will no longer be a lady garden. It will be a thing giving birth to an alien. It'll just be a whole different thing.

Speaker B: The wig.

Speaker A: I'm going completely off track and I generally feel for people saying this because the other thing I'd like to say is our listeners that have sent us these messages is actually please don't feel alone because lots of people go through this. Lots and lots. Which brings on to one of my facts.

Speaker B: I love a fact. Go ahead.

Speaker A: So this is from Everyday Health, and it says that as many as 40 million Americans in romantic relationships are not having sex.

Speaker B: Oh my God.

Speaker A: That's a huge amount of people.

Speaker B: No, that's horrible.

Speaker A: And a study in May 2019 of 1900 married adults between the ages of 57 and 85. So I guess you're assuming they've been married a while, around 40% of them are not having sex.

Speaker B: Right.

Speaker A: Which is a lot of people. Well, it's just sad.

Speaker B: It's not like you lose all of your want and need for sex when you get to the age of 60. Like you still want to ****.

Speaker A: That's a pathetic you don't. And so then I've got some other statistics. So this is from, let me tell you where's this no, this is not from Reader's Digest. This is from well, anyway, I'm going to link it in the blog, so you'll see where it's from. According to a 2018 General Social Survey so they interviewed, I believe, 660 married people who shared details about how often they have had sex in the past year. Okay. 25% had sex once a week. Okay. 16% had sex two or three times per week. 5% had sex four or more times a week. 17% had sex once a month. 90% had sex two to three times per month, and 10% hadn't had sex in the past year. And 7% had sex about once or twice in the past year. So no, like overwhelmingly strong statistics as to I mean, I would have said that. I would have thought most people's average was once a month, which to me is that's too little?

Speaker B: Yeah, I agree.

Speaker A: For anybody involved, 100%, it's not enough. Particularly for no, actually, particularly for men and women, it's not enough. I understand how that happens. And it actually goes back to the comment that we heard about spontaneity in sex that we all think that you have to be and I think you have this feeling that you have to be spontaneous to have good sex. But that actually when we did our interview of Dr. Klein, she said that if you think about it, when you first meet somebody, and even if you're going out for the evening and you're going out with your girlfriends, you go to the bar and you dress up all you look great, and you kind of have in your mind that you're going to meet somebody, you still are actually planning. Exactly. I want to have sex. So you are planning. It's not really spontaneous because in your head that's why you're going out. And so I think that that's the other thing is that the longer you stay together and you've said this before you're kind of in each other's space all the time. So it's like where is the moment? And then you're having dinner and you're doing all these kind of boring things like you're having dinner and you're unloading the dishwasher. And then I also think you plan so much when you're dating. Like let's say you're going to go out and have a second date with somebody and you think, okay, or first date or whatever it is and we're going to have sex. You're not going to go out and have a great big steak and a whole thing of french fries and 14 beers, are you? So that's the other thing is if and I realize I'm over exaggerating. The other thing is you have dinner and then you kind of I'm full and you sit on the sofa and you don't feel very sexy and all these sort of things, whereas you don't realize when you're dating you are actually planning you're planning for it. Yeah. And I mean, thinking about the circumstances.

Speaker B: I live in a big city. You live in a big city. Obviously. I understand the convenience of that as well, where it's like if I don't want to see my partner, I'm like, I need a night out with the gals or by myself or do you want to hang out with the guys tonight? Because I'd love a night in by myself. And you can do that because there's so many things to do literally outside my door, like go do something. But I understand that it is really hard and I've never lived in the suburbs and I never would I'm not a suburb kind of person. But to even think about the fact that you're an hour away from another person is terrifying to me. But I know that's a lot of people's reality and the fact that you're always together and what we've talked about also with them, Dr. Klein was like, vanilla sex and how so many people are in it with vanilla sex and how horrible that can become because then it feels like a chore. Then you're like, what the **** is the point of this? I'm not having fun while this is happening. I want it to last five minutes and get the hell out of there. Then this is what it turns into. But yeah, there has to be some kind of other distraction. You cannot just be with this person 24/7, because then that starts to feel like roommates, like we're talking about. There has to be something else in your life that you're doing. Get yourself a hobby, go to a class. I don't know what the answer is for anyone personally, but there has to be some kind of distraction that gives you joy outside of the relationship, and then you can come back to whatever it is.

Speaker A: Yeah, I do understand what you're saying, but I think a lot of people do live in a situation where we don't live in that situation where they have to get in a car and go to something. Go to anything, the supermarket, whatever. There's also the reality if you work all day and you come home at 07:00 at night, you make dinner, you have kids. I mean, when are you doing these things? And I totally, totally understand that because it used to really irritate me. I remember when I had my second child and I needed to lose a lot of weight and I got, like, a personal trainer or whatever, and she'd say all these things to me, like, you need to have lemon and hot water first thing in the morning, or you need to eat rice cakes or whatever. And you're like, you tried being up all night with a baby and get up in the morning and let me tell you, you don't want to drink lemon and water.

Speaker B: And she'd **** your ice cakes.

Speaker A: Go **** your literally, literally go **** your rice cakes. Or she'd say, oh, no, everyone has time for exercise. And you're like, Actually, I ******* don't. I have a full time job, children, like lots of other people.

Speaker B: But I think why you have a personal trainer is because you don't have time for exercise.

Speaker A: Exactly. Which is excessively expensive. That's for another episode. But I still think that in a sense, she was right. If you want to do something, it doesn't matter what it is in your life, even if it's really hard, you have to somehow find the time. I know that is very easy to say, but you have to kind of figure it out. And it's about priorities. And if you want to stay with your partner and you love them and you know that sex is a problem, you have to prioritize that. So that would be my biggest piece of advice, that don't think it's lost if you've gone for an excessive amount of time and one of our listeners said they'd gone through a very years, I think that is difficult. And I really think maybe because you.

Speaker B: Don'T even know how to get back to that. If it's been years, even months, I can't even imagine that. But if it's been longer than a month, two months, let's say, you're like, okay, how do I do foreplay.

Speaker A: Exactly. How do you even start? Yeah, how do you even start? We're talking years and we're not talking.

Speaker B: One year, decades, in some case. Yeah.

Speaker A: And I think obviously things can always come back. I think you have to do some talking. But I think in that case, maybe you do need to go and see somebody outside of the relationship, because that might be a big thing for you both to handle on your own. But definitely trying to start a conversation and communicate. Because personally, I don't think a sexless marriage I'm not sure, and people are going to come at me. I don't think it really is a choice. It certainly isn't choice for both people. I think it is possible, and some people, they're not sexual, but I think that is a small percentage of people, wouldn't you agree? Yeah. So I really think the best thing you can do is try and open a conversation and figure out why or figure out how you can get back to each other, in a sense, and not live this life where you're so miserable. But if it has gone on for many years, I think some outside help.

Speaker B: Is probably 100%, at least. Like, try, right? Like this is so important to you, which obviously it's important to most people. You have to try. And that's all we can do, Mel.

Speaker A: That's all we can do. That's all we can do. I would like to leave with one point that I thought was fascinating to me and doesn't really have anything to do with sex, but it does have to do with love. This is from Reader's Digest, right? And this is from let me see. This is 2023. I think it's very yes. It says that men are much more likely than women, 48% versus 28%, to fall in love at first sight. I'm going to leave you with that.

Speaker B: What do you think that's true? I think that's true, yeah. Because women are ******* beautiful and men are like, so so I need to hear them speak before they *******. I get a heart on.

Speaker A: Anyway, I thought that was an interesting yeah.

Speaker B: Let us know what you think about that, guys. I don't know about that, but that's so cute. That's actually funny.

Speaker A: But please keep everyone keep sharing. And I do appreciate and also, I know it's not easy to share. No, it's not like this, but this is how for everyone, I think you can feel very alone. And please don't feel alone because I think lots of people are in all sorts of kind of very complicated situations in their life. And all I would say is don't live for years and years and years like that. Like that. It's so miserable. I know that it can happen because there's commitments in life, but life's too short but too long to be doing that.

Speaker B: And get some sex toys, guys.

Speaker A: Sex get toys.

Speaker B: Literally, spice it up. Literally. You have nothing to lose, I promise you. I promise you. They're going to help. Like actually, literally, just a little lube, even.

Speaker A: Yeah. And that can be part of your conversation.

Speaker B: That's part of the foreplay.

Speaker A: Spice it up is to say, what do you think about this? I mean, don't go nuts. Don't go out buying that sort of ten foot *****. Let's not buy ten foot *****. Let's go nice and slow.

Speaker B: Itty bitty **** toys, whatever you want.

Speaker A: Little rose things for women. Cutesy, nice stuff. Non, scary, non. Some of them can be overwhelming.

Speaker B: Not overwhelming.

Speaker A: Some of the stuff is like that's a lot.

Speaker B: But maybe you could do it.

Speaker A: Maybe you could get there. Maybe that's what's missing.

Speaker B: There's like a goal in mind. We're going to get to this ten foot ****. I think that's it.

Speaker A: I actually would love to know who is using the foot ****. Somebody needs to tell me.

Speaker B: Like, it's Cam girls, man, have you seen these girls? They're incredible.

Speaker A: I mean, all power to them.

Speaker B: Amazing. It's amazing.

Speaker A: A bit worried about their health, to be honest.

Speaker B: Well, the ****** always bounces back.

Speaker A: No, that's another great, that's another one.

Speaker B: Well, we'll talk about that.

Speaker A: Anyway, as usual, we've gone off track. Anyway, thank you all for listening and I hope we've helped a little bit.

Speaker B: A little bit. We love you guys so much. Keep sharing. Go to our Leave a little voicemail, send us a little DM, you know, we'll talk back.

Speaker A: We love it. We will. And you'll be on the pod if you want, if you want.

Speaker B: We love you.

Speaker A: See you soon.

Speaker B: Bye. Sharingmytruthpod is so excited to partner with, where the A in Vibrator is the number eight. This is an extremely exclusive code where no other podcast has it. If you go to right now, use the code Ms 15. That's ms 15 at You can now get 15% off anything in store that's any sex toys for you, your partner, your neighbor, your mom. We don't judge, we don't care. Get it now. Go to the link in our bio, put in the code and get jiggy with it.

Speaker A: Thanks so much for listening. Please rate and review this podcast and follow us on social at sharingmytruthpod and leave us a voicemail on our to share your stories and experiences with us. We'll see you next time.

Speaker B: Bye bye. Three, two, one. Yea

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