aker A: Welcome to sharing my truth with Mel and Susie. The uncensored version where we bear it all.
Speaker B: We do 1234. Hello, hello.
Speaker A: Welcome back, everyone, to sharing my Truth pod. It's Susie. I'm here with Mel and this is your friendly, cute reminder to review and rate this little podcast. Give us a little five star review, make us feel loved and appreciated because we love you guys. And don't forget to follow us on Share My Toothpod at everywhere you see social media. Thank you guys so much for listening. Hello, babes.
Speaker B: Hello, darling, how are you? I'm fine. You're? Just fine. Oh yeah. I normally say fabulous, don't I? Yes. Where the **** is the fabulous, fabulous?
Speaker A: Oh my God. I know.
Speaker B: Sounds like Mary Poppins.
Speaker A: Fabulous, darling. Just bring it up to your purse. You know how Mary her ginormous purse full of everything and you just keep chablis in yours.
Speaker B: Chabli? No, sorry, I don't really like a Chablis. Yes, few glasses, a bit of merry.
Speaker A: If you see Melan Yorkville, you know what to get her.
Speaker B: Yeah, a nice bottle of I like a bit of Sancer. Oh, yes, she does. Anyway, well, we should probably start getting.
Speaker A: Drunk for this ******* episode because she's a little bit of a heavier one. Don't carry.
Speaker B: It'S. Not a fun one. As we said, it's not always sexy.
Speaker A: It's usually sexy though.
Speaker B: And this is not so sexy.
Speaker A: Divorce can be kind of sexy though, can it? For sure. I mean, if you're the one who the main character is having the affair.
Speaker B: With the naughty one, if you're the.
Speaker A: Naughty one, it's kind of sexy until you get caught and then get that divorce. It's a whole ******* thing.
Speaker B: Absolutely.
Speaker A: So that's right, we're talking about divorce today. Yes. And Mel is the child of divorced parents and myself, who is a child of a divorced very it's probably very interesting perspective that you have and myself has because my parents are still together, but maybe they should have got a divorce. But I think because my mom was such a divorced lawyer right, that she just probably wouldn't have done that.
Speaker B: How long have they been married?
Speaker A: Oh, God, you're asking me questions. Well, obviously my brother's 31.
Speaker B: 31.
Speaker A: 31? I think so embarrassing. 31 over 30 years.
Speaker B: Right.
Speaker A: But really ******* good to have lasted that long with someone. But after that, after so long, what are you going to ******* get a divorce at? Like 50 people do. It's insane to me. Unless you really cannot stand this person or they're abusive or something like that. If they're just like then I don't know. Are you really going to divorce?
Speaker B: Yeah, I mean, I think there are fine points, key points where things happen for sort of specific reasons. Like you can sort of shuffle along if you like in your marriage for a long time, especially if you have kids. And so I think a lot of people might get divorced around the sort of 25 year mark, because maybe kids are leaving the nest and going to university or leaving home or whatever they're doing. And so let's say you didn't get married because you just had a baby. So I think once kids leave what's the word? Like, the barrier or the thing between you and your partner, like your kids, if that goes, and then you're like, oh, ****, I've got to talk to you. Yeah.
Speaker A: I have nothing in common with you, actually.
Speaker B: This sucks. And I think that can happen a lot because you can get very, very busy. Obviously, when children are little, it's very, very demanding, and so that's a different thing. But as they get older, as you've seen with my kids in my house, they are demanding, even though they're teenagers and one of them doesn't live here anymore. But there's always something. And I think you can sort of distract yourself from your relationship by putting all your energy into them, basically, of course. And then when that distraction has gone, when that distraction has really gone, then you're really faced with the other person, and then it can be like, oh, ****, what am I doing? So you can spend an awful lot of time kind of avoiding the issue, if you like, if you like. And if you don't actually really hate that person, you're just like, I don't really want to spend my time with you. They're sort of two different things, aren't they? Because it's a bit like I think you can be a lot of people are not happy, but not unhappy. They're sort of okay. Yeah. But I think you can get to a certain age, you think, what's the ******* point? I really should be happy, right? But a lot of people just shuffle along. I mean, in my family, I have so much divorce, it's insane. That's so interesting. I'm one of the few. There's me and, I think, one other cousin of mine that has had one marriage and everyone else has had two, three, sometimes four, even my grandparents. They didn't actually divorce because you didn't. But my grandfather had an affair, but not affair. He had a mistress that he kept in another house.
Speaker A: Wow.
Speaker B: It's charming, isn't it? But my grandmother was delighted because she couldn't stand him. Wow. So he went and lived in the house with the mistress, and his mistress died and then he came back. She was furious.
Speaker A: No, yeah, that's a true story.
Speaker B: That's actually what happened. She's absolutely furious. And she's like, oh, God, you're back again. She couldn't stand him. But they didn't get divorced because of convention.
Speaker A: Right. I have very little divorce in my family. Besides, my dad got married really young to his first wife, and he met my mom later.
Speaker B: Right.
Speaker A: So he had a first wife, had.
Speaker B: A kid, my half sister, and then got married again.
Speaker A: Yeah. Which is, like, kind of crazy to even think about that he had a whole entire life before me.
Speaker B: Yeah, it is strange.
Speaker A: Just when you don't really think about it, but yeah, I just don't have a lot of divorce. I have many, all my cousins are together. It's weird.
Speaker B: It is weird. I mean, my husband's the same, like all everyone's married. Yeah, but I think it does really affect you. It affected the way I thought about relationships. Yeah. So my husband was very like, no, that's what you do, you get married and you have children and I want to be married. And he wanted to be married. I mean, not perhaps specifically when we got I mean, we got married quite young. Right? I was like, very like, no, this isn't going to work, you have to live together. I was very skeptical. My parents lived together. I mean, my parents lived together for, I think, like four or five years. My dad pursued my mum, then they were married for 16 years and they still managed to get divorced. You're like, really? How have you not figured this out?
Speaker A: Yeah, I'm so afraid of getting a divorce. I think that's my biggest thing and watching my mother, who was the divorce lawyer, and I worked as her secretary for like a year, and it was like these people that come in and she took all the most horrible cases as well. She just wanted to help people. And the people who needed to help the most are the ones who have so many money issues and all this other stuff. And, yeah, divorce is such a scary thing to me that literally, you have so many assets with this person. You're literally about to have such a hard life for the next five or so years till this divorce finalizes and spend so much money on a lawyer, and there's so many things you have to do. Obviously, if there's kids involved, it's like a whole other issue with child support.
Speaker B: Oh, yeah. I mean, it's awful. And anybody who sort of trivializes it, like you haven't lived through it.
Speaker A: Oh, my God. It's horrible.
Speaker B: Even though I'm obviously not young, but I do remember very clearly being the child and how it affected my life and even then going on and having relationships. But the flip side is that if I hadn't kind of met somebody who was like, no, don't think like that. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Just because your parents doesn't mean you're going to live like that. I wouldn't have had a happy life, so I would have missed out. You got to think about it that way. Just because yes, it is a thing. Yes, because lots of people destroy get divorced, or maybe you come from a situation where your parents or many people were divorced or whatever, if you don't try, you're not going to have happiness. So is it worth not having happiness to be safe? If you see what I mean? Well, I think a lot of people.
Speaker A: Also don't realize, like a lot of younger people, is that when you have a common law relationship so like, my boyfriend and I are common law. Technically, when you have a common law relationship, you can also still get a divorce because you have assets in your life and you share a lot of things for the most part, and some people are common law, but you also have a child, right? Like you're not married. Of course there's things that are still in your life that you possibly will still have to get a divorce, some kind of agreement.
Speaker B: Yeah, but I think people don't realize.
Speaker A: That if they're not married, they don't.
Speaker B: And there will be a money situation.
Speaker A: 100% and you can still get call for what is it called? Spousal support.
Speaker B: Absolutely.
Speaker A: Even if you're common law. So you're not safe. Like you're saying you can't just not have a relationship unless 100% complicated.
Speaker B: And I've sort of seen myself, from my personal point of view, lots of different situations where either people have got prenups or they haven't got prenups and then it's blown up or it hasn't blown up and is it right to do that? Is it wrong to do that? Or I've seen situations where one partner comes from a very wealthy family and the other partner doesn't, so what does that mean? So on and so forth. And then when things blow up and they go so spectacularly wrong. And the problem with divorce is that it obviously depends why you got to that. Did you get to that because you just sort of fell out of love? And I do have friends who've managed to do it amicably, they just wanted.
Speaker A: To have something, of course, but the.
Speaker B: Chances are, nine times out of ten, that's not what happens because obviously life isn't that easy and that organized. What happens is you meet somebody, they trigger your buttons. You obviously are pulled by lust and not by sense. And then the whole thing happens. And that's what happens in life. And then the mess unfurls. And then, of course, you are hurting your partner. And your partner, the only way they can really, really get back at you is to make the divorce as probably financially and painful and the whole thing as arduous as possible. And that's what happened. That's what happened to my parents. My mum my dad cheated, well, many times, but he cheated with this one woman who's now my stepmother, and my mum just wanted to punish him. So it took them ten years to get divorced and it was horrendous in court and my mum lost out thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of pounds, many thousands of pounds from just being just sorted out. He's gone.
Speaker A: But hurt people hurt people.
Speaker B: Of course they do. And there's no sense. And unfortunately, my mom didn't have anybody in her life to say, look, the best thing you can do for yourself is get out of this with as much money as you can, start a new life. And if she had done that and she hadn't wasted ten years, she would a financially be in a much better situation mentally, she'd be in a better situation and just gone on with her life. The problem is also that divorce is historically, statistically, currently, whatever, always worse for women than it is for men generally. And I don't mean that necessarily financially. Look, I do have friends who've got divorced and they have very good jobs and the husbands have very good jobs. And so in theory it can all be fine, but just generally, obviously men can go on and get married, women do. But it's harder because unfortunately, if you've.
Speaker A: Had kids, you have a lot more personal responsibilities and your pool is smaller. Yeah, exactly. And you're most likely not making as much money as men or your husband are, your ex husband is.
Speaker B: It's a whole thing.
Speaker A: So, ladies, let's try to either get a prenup, get something signed, because it can work in your favor too, of course, obviously. And it's going to make the whole if you do choose to get divorced.
Speaker B: Then it's going to be just a.
Speaker A: Bit of a better plan in that way and you know exactly what's going to happen. And you're protecting yourself, just like your partner is protecting themselves.
Speaker B: For sure. Prenups can be they don't work in every country, in every jurisdiction. It's a very kind of North American idea. And so that's another thing. It doesn't necessarily work well.
Speaker A: I mean, if you can get a prenup in your country or whatever the hell is going on, make sure you get a good lawyer who you trust as well. I have also heard of really horrible stories of not having a good lawyer for your divorce and you're just getting taken advantage of so much more and you're still spending so much money on this lawyer who doesn't have maybe your best interests in mind. It's really horrible. And then, yeah, just be safe.
Speaker B: Just be safe about it.
Speaker A: I mean, I think I would get a prenup.
Speaker B: Yeah, it depends who you're marrying.
Speaker A: Did you get a prenup?
Speaker B: No, I don't have a prenup.
Speaker A: You don't have a prenup? I don't have a prenup because a lot of your not saying that you guys would ever get divorced. You guys are like the dream couple of dream couples. But you guys share so many assets, right?
Speaker B: Yeah, and we married when we were very young and we had nothing.
Speaker A: Right.
Speaker B: So most of everything that we have, we've built together. Well, completely together. We were very young with not very much.
Speaker A: I don't think it was as popular as, like no.
Speaker B: And certainly back then, certainly in the UK. I don't know anybody who the only people I know who had prenups and the only people I know here or in the States here as in Canada, are people who one party comes from a very wealthy family, and that family wants to protect their assets. Yeah, which is fair enough. I mean, I get that. And actually, in that situation, if you have a prenup and you've married somebody from an extraordinary wealthy family, and you have an agreement that we get divorced and I get this, and it's very generous and it's fair and so on and so forth. And often a lot of these are according to how many years you're married. Then it's probably the best way, because then everyone's protected. You know, that if you leave, you have you're protected. The other partner knows they're protected. It's probably a good idea, and it's clean and so on. The only thing I would say about this whole thing about lawyers and this is sort of kind of a North American thing, obviously very American. And I say this being married to a lawyer is that the minute you mention the word lawyer and it doesn't matter whether that's in a business context you had a disagreement with somebody and you can't resolve it by discussing it or whatever, and then you go to the legal. The minute you say legal in any context in your life, you've gone down a different road. Right. And it's harsh. It's a hard reality. So I think a lot of people don't want to do it for that. But, I mean, the important thing I would say is I think as a woman, you have to think very hard about protecting yourself. And for example, if you've not worked and you've in the marriage, or you don't work because you have children, or you don't work and your partner works so you do have to be a little bit sensible and think about these things. I don't think most people don't, because you're in this for love. You're not in this it's not a business transaction, but it's not business.
Speaker A: But you're still signing a contract with someone for your literal entire life. It's crazy to me, as someone who maybe I'm just not as a romantic person, as a lot of people are, who want to get married. I want to get married, but it's not like this all, be all, end all thing for myself. But it's just you have to be ******* smart about it still. Like, people who marry someone within a week of knowing them, that's mad. That's ******* crazy. And obviously these amazing romantic stories happen where you meet this person, you're there with them for their entire life after that. But ****, you don't ******* know this person. You're giving your life to them. Crazy.
Speaker B: Yeah, I agree with that. You have to be very, very careful. I mean, I knew my husband for how long? Well, I suppose it does sound quite short. I think three years. They got married three years.
Speaker A: That's a pretty good time.
Speaker B: And then we were actually engaged for, and we did this on purpose for probably like, a year a bit more, because we weren't in a rush, we were young and there was no rush to do it, but I think yeah, to get married. And why are you getting married? I mean, I also firmly believe I firmly believe you have to live together. You have to live with before and I did. You have to live with somebody before you marry them. You have to know if the really small things are going to irritate the **** out of you. And if you do not live with that person and you're just sort of having the nice rumpy pumpy yes, exactly. Or you just spend the weekend together.
Speaker A: You have no idea how they live.
Speaker B: Exactly. And you don't see the kind of the side well, if you spend sort of little bits of time with somebody, you are acting a little bit, in a sense, and if you don't live with them, you don't see the whole thing, do you? You don't see the bits like, oh, well, that's not very yeah, they don't.
Speaker A: Actually clean their bathroom as much, they only clean it when you come over. And so now it's like exactly. Oh, they don't actually eat how you think they eat because you're always going out.
Speaker B: Exactly.
Speaker A: You literally learn so much about someone because that you live with them.
Speaker B: Yeah, 100%.
Speaker A: It's crazy. So, yeah, just everyone be safe, be smart, be sexy. It is romantic. Obviously, you're spending your life with this person, but just take care of you first.
Speaker B: Yeah, I think it's about balance. Look, you don't want to marry somebody with the fear, like, for example, with the fear that you're going to get divorced. My mum has a brother and he's never married because both his sisters got divorced, so my aunt's been divorced, like, twice, my mum once, and he's so scared of, like, divorce. Yeah. Wow. That he's just like, no, it's not for me. And he's got quite a lot of money and he's like, I don't want to get into that. And you're like, well, yeah, but that can't dictate your life, can it? So you have to find some kind of balance. I mean, obviously that's just personal choice and lots of people think that way and fair enough, I understand that. And then there is the issue, if you haven't met the person, then of course don't just marry anybody for the sake of marrying them. That would be my big piece of advice.
Speaker A: I see people marrying, I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm just in a weird age where everyone is either getting married or they're still single, or they've like myself, I've been in a relationship for seven ******* years and I just haven't done that yet. It's just like, it's a lot. But so many people I know are literally just getting married and I'm like, this is crazy.
Speaker B: Oh, yeah, I remember going through that your kind of age, anywhere between 26 and sort of 30, everyone was getting married. We went to all these weddings, and then if you've got married then, then you sort of hit 30 something. And then the first divorces happen, right? So we went through a few, and then you sort of go to a party or something. You hadn't seen something, you're like, oh, they're divorced. Do you mean they're divorced? They got married five minutes ago.
Speaker A: But isn't that crazy? You know what's bad is that you can kind of tell who's going to actually last and who is most likely going to get a ******* divorce.
Speaker B: I have been to so many got to do that. I'm sorry to interrupt you.
Speaker A: No, it's fine.
Speaker B: I've been to so many weddings, many, many weddings, and you can always tell, and all the people who are now divorced, I said, they're not going to make it. They're going to get divorced. It's true. And they got divorced.
Speaker A: It is true. You can always kind of tell and.
Speaker B: It'S always the same thing. It's always the same thing. It's not that they don't love each other, it's that their life view and their goals and their values are not aligned. They don't fundamentally want the same thing. And I don't mean, like, exactly the same thing. Like, I want to have a red car, but he wants a blue car, or I want a big house and he wants an apartment. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about fundamentally how you want to live. Like, are you somebody who's materialistic and the husband is materialistic, or the other way around. You fundamentally are quite at odds in your goals and how you want to live. It's problem. Yeah, it's a real problem. And yeah, I mean, we've seen so many and then it's hard for children. It's very hard for kids to kind of get over. But there's so much divorce. I don't know what the answer is. Although I would say from a female point of view, and this will probably lead into what we're talking about next, is you really have to be a bit smart and don't put up with ****. Yes. Don't put up with somebody saying horrible **** to you, controlling your life, not letting you see your friends, whatever it is. And if this is happening early on, it's not going to get any better. Yeah. And don't think that you are going to be able, and I'm talking here in the context of a man and a woman, if you think you're going to change this man, you are delusional. Sorry, that's harsh. But it's true.
Speaker A: No, it's true.
Speaker B: You are delusional. He may evolve. He's not going to change. Neither are you, really. You'll sort of evolve. You're not going to fundamentally change. But if they're trying to control your life or I've seen this quite a few times with my friends, where the husband doesn't like the woman going out. Like she goes to a girl and I'm like, what? And if that is happening right at the beginning and we're talking going out with your girlfriends, going out for a night out, we're not talking going out and bonking everyone in the bar, right? We're talking going to have a nice dinner, have a few drinks, get a bit jolly. I mean, what's wrong with that? And if that is a problem right at the beginning, it's never getting any better.
Speaker A: Exactly.
Speaker B: Or the amount of times I've seen this in couples, the husband particularly not liking what the woman spends even though the woman works. It's like **** off. Unless you're doing really stupid things. But I'm talking like non important things. Give your view of thousands and thousands of dollars in debt. That's totally different thing. Or you do stupid stuff when you've agreed we're going to buy this with our mutual income or however you set your thing up, that's different. But I'm talking why you care if your wife's had a haircut or gone for a spray tan or bought a pair of $200 jeans. Like keep your nose out. But anyway, if you see all of these things early on, I think you can kind of tell where it's going.
Speaker A: And I also think obviously we're talking it is for women 100% because I think it can really eat into our self esteem a lot of the time and we don't really see it until we're out of it. And then we're like, wow, that was completely toxic and I can't believe I endured all that. But it's also the same for men. And I've seen women I hate the word crazy, but go, just kind of just women being mean. That's the only way to describe it's. Like women just like literally just being horrible ******* to I hate that word too, and I know you do too, but to their man. And it's like guys, you don't have to put that with that either. Not all women are going to get like this. You're going to find someone else who can love you for what you're doing unless you are ******* a ****. But there's special sometimes 100% agree.
Speaker B: Yeah. At the end of the day, like the L'Oreal ad. You are worth it.
Speaker A: Yes, love.
Speaker B: You are a man or a woman, you don't have to take and you should not be accepting any kind of behavior, any kind of or in a situation where you believe and I'm not talking about seriously bad behavior. I'm talking about any kind of behavior where you feel they're not treating you the way you want to be treated or kind know, being well, quite frankly a bit of a ****. And I mean female or exactly that's.
Speaker A: Don't be a ****, don't be a *****. That's the golden ******* rule.
Speaker B: It is, isn't it? It is. It is.
Speaker A: Susie and now we're going to get into some people who we asked some of our audience if they had any of divorce stories or relationship stories and kind of red flags that a lot of these are women who wrote back. But yeah, it's very interesting as to maybe you guys are going to hear some red flags that you are experiencing and being like, maybe I should dig a little deeper into that feeling.
Speaker B: Yeah, 100%.
Speaker A: Okay, so let's start with this one. The honeymoon stage was bliss. Then I started to play second fiddle to his work and social life. He began to neglect me and call me needy. I kept telling myself it was temporary. I told myself that for ten years. And when we finally got engaged, I thought marriage would solve everything. We were divorced within two years.
Speaker B: Yeah, well, marriage never solves anything.
Speaker A: Anything. It makes things probably ******* worse.
Speaker B: 100% marriage. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, it's bad. And anybody who tells you in their marriage that it's all been amazing the whole time is a liar. It's just bullshit. Because everyone has ups and downs in their life, and of course they do in marriage, and you got to stick at it and work at it and so on. But I do understand from her point of view, I do understand this. You've been with somebody, you've invested all this time. What are you supposed to do, just walk away? And then there is the fear of like, if I walk away, then what?
Speaker A: Right?
Speaker B: And I do think a lot of women feel that. And I can't really sit here from my vantage point. I got married when I was 28, and I met my husband when I was 24, 25, and I'm 50, and I've been with the same man. So it's very easy for me to say, oh, you should just walk away. But that is an incredibly difficult thing to do. It's also very difficult to do if you have those moments where it works and the bits that work are really great. So you think to yourself, well, do I just put up with this for the that? And the answer is that nobody's 100% but the bits that are bad should not be so bad that you're unhappy. So what I'm saying is nobody's perfect, but the good bits should be great, and the bits that are not so great, let's put it that way, should not actually be bad. But I do understand she's with this person. They have their life. You're also working. You're probably both working. You're busy, and you're thinking to yourself, oh my God, I've got to leave this person who I do actually love and I do have good times with for the bad unravel, everything probably move, yada, yada, yada. How do I do that? And I think that most people you'd stay. But the answer is marriage will not solve this. And she is very lucky if that's what she's telling us that. They only were married for two years, they were still relatively young and they didn't have any kids. Yes, exactly. So that is very lucky. But yeah, marriage is not going to solve anything. It's a bit like some people, they're in a relationship and it's not very good, and they think, oh, let's have a baby. And you're like, if you want to really **** it up and really add some pressure, have a baby where you don't sleep, then you start hating each other. You're never going to have sex.
Speaker A: Exactly.
Speaker B: And you love this. Don't get me wrong, I love my children, I loved my babies. But it's hard.
Speaker A: So if you are not partner, if.
Speaker B: You are not in a good place, you can't do something that's even more difficult, which having a baby, having a marriage, because marriage does mean lots of things. It means that you are committed. It is harder. You've got to really work at this. But I do understand why that happens.
Speaker A: Yeah. I just hate when he I understand the problem with needy people.
Speaker B: I hate that. Why would he say to her, she's needy?
Speaker A: But here's the thing. Obviously I hate if your partner is telling you're needy, obviously marriage is not going to fix this part.
Speaker B: No, I mean, that would have been it for me. I can't see you.
Speaker A: But the thing is that I've dealt with needy men and it's the same with needy women. It's like you've defined yourself, things that will make you happy. You know what I mean? Obviously there's two sides to every story. It's like maybe she was ******* needy, you know what I mean? But there's men who will appreciate that and want then this man, obviously he needs a less involved women or like putting so much pressure maybe on the relationship.
Speaker B: 100%. He's the wrong kind of man. Exactly. If you are saying that to anybody, and if somebody's saying that to you and you're hearing that he is not the right man for you, if you need a lot of support and maybe because you've been through something in your life or whatever it is exactly. You have to find the person who's willing to give that to you and you give whatever it is to that person. Yeah, 100%. That's a huge red flag. The fact that he was spending more time with the other bits in his life, his social life or whatever, and she's not there. Massive, massive red flag. Yeah. Again, if I think about my point of view, my husband and I, we've always like we have social life, so we have social life together and then we have our friends and we go and do our thing. But it's never been intrusive. So if like if I wanted to go out for dinner with a friend, I sort of think, oh, we haven't got anything. We don't consult each other really, we just go out for dinner. Whereas I know friends where if he goes out for dinner and spends whatever he spends, then she's like, Well, I have to go out for dinner. And I'm just like, what the hell does that what's that all about? And so if you're in or he's always or I also have a lot of friends where the man is always going out, like on a Friday, Saturday night, goes out, gets rip roaring drunk. The woman is never part of that. So they almost don't have a social life. It's a problem, especially if there's kids.
Speaker A: And then he's going out drinking all the time, and then she is staying.
Speaker B: At home with kids. From my point of view, and I realize it is a very kind of I'm sitting on my little perch point of view is that I would not tolerate that. I wouldn't be married to a man like that. My husband isn't like that. He's certainly I'm not perfect. He's not perfect, but I wouldn't have married a man like that. But I know that's very, very easy for me to say that, because it's not easy to find the right person, as I've said many times. But the only advice I would give, and she's already done it but if you are in a situation where you are seeing these kind of flags, that's not what you want for your life. And you're early on, you've got to really think whether you're with the right person and they're giving you what you need, and you're giving them what they need, which is the point of a relationship. Exactly, is teamwork.
Speaker A: Thank you, love.
Speaker B: There we go.
Speaker A: All right, well, our next one is kind of on the same but different and also things that you were talking about. So we moved in after a few months and ten months in, we married. And this was shortly after I was 18.
Speaker B: Oh, gosh.
Speaker A: So young bride.
Speaker B: Yes.
Speaker A: And he's 26, so a little bit older. Age sometimes doesn't matter.
Speaker B: No.
Speaker A: So soon after, I started to notice the first signs of trouble. He wasn't keen on me spending time with my friends or family. When my brother in New York invited me to visit, even offering to pay my flight as a birthday present, he told me he didn't want me to go. He was even funny about girls'nights out. When I arranged one of my friends in London, Ontario, I believe, he insisted on waiting at the hotel and spending the night with me. Eventually, I started to feel resentful towards him and his controlling behavior. One time I told him I was applying for a promotion at work, and his response was that I was delusional. I got the job in the end and I ditched the man.
Speaker B: Good for her. Yeah, good for her. Wow.
Speaker A: And to divorce so young, that's traumatic.
Speaker B: Very traumatic. And you're going to have all these kind of predisposed ideas about the way relationships work. I mean, obviously I have an 18 year old daughter. I'd be ****** terrified if she came home and said, I want to get married. But there's not really much you can do. That's what they want to do. That's what they want to do. Obviously, it depends who the 18 year old is. Some can be very mature, some can be very immature. But, yeah, I would ask the question, why does a 27 year old man want to be with an 18 year old girl?
Speaker A: Yeah, well, it's hard because men do.
Speaker B: Like younger women, but like younger women, but they also they're in your 20s. It's not like he's 50 and he's looking for a 30 year old. If you're 27 and you're going out with a 22 year old, I mean, they look amazing. Or a 25 year old. I mean, it's not that sort of physical thing, is it? But very hard for her if she's that young. And this kind of story is as old as time, right, that a woman's sort of swept up in the whole thing. You don't know what her background is. If she had wanted somebody to love her, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. She's a human being. That's why it happens. Somebody shows you attention and then often men or women, you get into the relationship and then you're so sort of in too far, and then they start to show their real colors in terms of and sometimes it can be horrible and can be violence or whatever it is. And then it's very easy. People will say, I'll just leave and go where? It's very easy to say that, but what is that person meant to do? It also takes an enormous amount of strength to try and get up and say, okay, this is going to be the hardest thing I'm ever going to do, but I'm going to do it. And that is very easy for somebody to say. But I mean, I'm very glad that she got her life together and went on and found her self worth.
Speaker A: But I think that's the biggest thing when one of the people in a relationship is jealous of the other person and they're having self esteem or something issues and they're putting it on the other person because I'm not having fun. You're not going to have violence either. And that's a huge problem. And I've seen that in some of my friends relationships, and it's so horrible to see because it's like, as their friend, what the **** are you going to say? It's so hard to not be on your friend's side, but gosh.
Speaker B: You have.
Speaker A: To be that person's partner. You can't just be their.
Speaker B: If no.
Speaker A: One'S having fun in the relationship, what's the point of this relationship?
Speaker B: 100%. And it's also this idea, like I was saying to you, I went out, why can't you be happy for the other person? It's not like a little scoreboard. I had dinner this week, so you have to have dinner that I mean, it's ridiculous. Or I went out with my friends. So you go out with your friends. If you're just generically doing it, then there'll be no unhappiness. And jealousy is a big problem. I know lots of people who've had issues with that, and it can stem from lots of different things, like perhaps you've had a bad relationship or you come from a family where there have been issues and you're very and divorced parents. Exactly. Divorced. A lot of things, yeah. You can also, I think, be innately jealous. I'm not sort of personally not an innately jealous kind of person, so I never think about it. Never even think about it. I do what I do, and he does what he does, and we do our thing together, and that's sort of the end of that. But.
Speaker A: It does feel like it's a proven fact that men are healthier when they hang out with their man friends.
Speaker B: Yeah.
Speaker A: And women are also healthier when we hang out. When we have a community of women. You have to let that person it's not like they're hanging like, let's say you have a girlfriend and she's kind of like one of the guys. It's not like that might be hard as a guy if you're a jealous man watching that, and her having a lot of fun with other guys. But to not let her hang out with her girlfriends, that's a whole other thing. She needs that support group, because women give other women something that men can't give us.
Speaker B: I totally agree.
Speaker A: Always.
Speaker B: And what are you worried about? What are you worried? Are you worried about if you're fundamentally worried?
Speaker A: Yes.
Speaker B: Then there's your problem. Exactly. You've got bigger fish to fry. You got bigger issues.
Speaker A: 100%.
Speaker B: And I also think that you don't also have to have exactly the same interest. Like, in my case, my husband really likes sport, and he likes going to watch soccer, and he I will say football, but I have to say soccer for our yes. American Canadian friends, and he likes watching every sport baseball, soccer, hockey, ice hockey. And I have I mean, zero interest is the understatement of the century.
Speaker A: You're there for the drinks.
Speaker B: Yeah. And I can't even you're there for the gin and tonic through the whole thing. And I say to him, if it's going to take you more than 20 seconds to explain the rule, I will live in blissful ignorance. I don't want to know. So what I'm saying is, he actually goes with his mates, but they all want to go. So what's the point of me being a miserable cow, sitting next to him, wishing I was doing a million other things other than watching soccer or ice hockey? But what's wrong with that? It's better. And then I go with my friends and do whatever, but I don't know.
Speaker A: 100%. Here's our last one. Okay, you ready?
Speaker B: Yes. Okay, so this third story. Susie is somebody who wrote in actually they left us a message. She said that her biggest red flag in her marriage came about two years after her second baby was born and her husband's starting to started sort of comment you need to lose the weight. You still got baby weight. And she says to us that she was a busy professional with two children under the age of three and she just didn't physically have the time, the energy, the capacity.
Speaker A: I can't even imagine having the energy.
Speaker B: To work out exactly and worry know, drinking smoothies. And her husband actually said to her, well, your friend and she doesn't obviously say she doesn't say who we'll call her Jane.
Speaker A: We'll call her Jane.
Speaker B: She seems to have time, why don't you? And then he started making all these derogatory comments about her weight. And she said to us that once a man or a woman, because it could be either, starts making those kind of physical comments about you when you're together as a couple and like really hardcore hurtful stuff, then really you're going down the wrong road. And especially after you've had a baby, for the love of God. It really, I speak from experience is not your first priority and it's very, very difficult. And your husband presumably is with you because they love you and you have this child together and you're not really worried about the fact that you look like a supermodel or not.
Speaker A: It's just so horrible.
Speaker B: I think it's nasty.
Speaker A: A lot of men are kind of in this thought that you have a baby with a woman and maybe she's young enough to have her bounce back in quotations bounce back, exactly. And if that doesn't happen fast enough or she's working still, she has babies and you're expecting her to work out as well. Eat the best she can eat. What are you ******* doing?
Speaker B: Oh, I agree. Who are you?
Speaker A: That's so crazy to me. What are you doing?
Speaker B: It's absolutely horrible. It's horrible. And I can only from my point of view speak from experience where I put on weight with babies. And my husband never said anything to me ever and told me he loved me and I was beautiful at any point and the same me with him. He put on quite a lot of weight. I never said anything to him. No. He even says to me today because he lost, as we know I've said this many times, 65 pounds during COVID the only person who actually lost weight. And so he's a very different person physically looking like people, some people don't recognize him. And he always says to me, oh, do you remember what I look like? And I'm like, what do you mean? And he says it in a derogatory way and I didn't think about it then, I don't think about it now. But I have had people say to me, women say to me and so women can be just as nasty, saying, oh, did you like him when he was big? And you're like, what the hell are you talking about? He's my husband. I really didn't give it that much thought. So it does happen to men and to women. And I've seen a lot of couples and unfortunately, it's mostly men, where the men make comments about the woman's physical appearance and have said it and they say it in front of people, which I think is just so crazy. Just no way. Don't ever, ever take that. I'm sorry. Because putting on weight is not against the law. Most women do it. Obviously women have different body types, but most women during their life, for whatever reason, often actually related to hormonal things may shift between 1020 30 pounds of their weight. And it's like and men can do the same. Like, give everyone a break, for God's sake.
Speaker A: And there's also, like, nicer. There's better ways of encouraging your partner to maybe eat better, work out. Maybe if you see them struggling yes. Don't kick a horse follower down. Well, yes, maybe, oh, do you want me to take the kids? Do you want to go to a yoga class?
Speaker B: Maybe not.
Speaker A: Something like, you have to support that person. And obviously they're probably feeling like **** about themselves, too. You can't be that person being like, you look like **** today, honey. You're like, yeah, they're not feeling the best anyways. Maybe take the kids or give the kids to their grandparents, a friend, a babysitter, go for a hike or something. There's ways that you can encourage this stuff without being a ******* **** about it.
Speaker B: I 100% agree. And an actual fact that's a very good way of putting it is to maybe suggest you exercise together or go for a and that is very challenging when you have young children. But also maybe don't worry about it. I'm sorry. The thing to me is saying nasty things, because when you say nasty things to somebody, whether it's about saying that they're needy or that they're overweight or so and so their friend looks better than you, you can never take that back. No. Never undo that. You can never rewind that. That argument will come up time and time and time and time again. The time you said that, the time you said, you can't take it back. So be really careful. I understand that. Obviously, people change. And the other thing is to think, we get older. We change. Don't be mean, for ****'* sake. Right?
Speaker A: Like, this is someone who you were in love with. This is the ******* mother of your children.
Speaker B: I know.
Speaker A: It was so ******.
Speaker B: Yeah, and maybe you should try having babies because it's ****** painful.
Speaker A: Yeah, exactly. Try pushing that out of your small, little tight *****.
Speaker B: **** you. I didn't do that.
Speaker A: No, you didn't. But I had a lot of women do.
Speaker B: Pulled out like an alien from my stomach. And it does look a bit like that. You know that movie alien? Yes, I do. It's a bit like that. And you have this nice well, actually, my scar is quite small, but anyway, far too much detail. It's very nice. It's a very small scar. It's battle scar. Yeah, it is. Yeah. It's ****** painful. And it's like, come on. It's hard having children. And it's hard. I mean, having kids, which I did have young children working full time, I did that. It's very difficult. Yeah. And in my case with my first child, I didn't have any help. And then with anybody helping, like family or somebody that I paid, I couldn't afford it. And then my second child, I could, and it made all the difference. But things like, it's come to be your ******* this is your wife. You're meant to love her. She's had your babies. Like, don't be a ****. Don't be a ****.
Speaker A: Thank you, Mel.
Speaker B: That's it. That's all I've got.
Speaker A: I love that.
Speaker B: That's all I got.
Speaker A: Don't be ******* ****, everyone.
Speaker B: Yeah.
Speaker A: And if you have a funny divorce story, a sad divorce story, you guys just want to rant to us. We're always here to listen. You can DM us on our Instagram or any other social media platforms. You can email us, go to our website. You can leave us a voicemail, talk about it with us, and we will always reply. And your story might be on the podcast with permission. So we want to hear from you. We appreciate all these women sending us their stories.
Speaker B: We do.
Speaker A: So, yeah, we can't wait to hear from you guys back. And this is a tough little topic, divorce. It's not easy.
Speaker B: It's a tough topic. But I salute all these women for being so strong. Yes. Because it's not easy, and it's taken a lot of courage to change their life and realize that something wasn't right. So all power to you.
Speaker A: ******* power to you, baby. And if you get a divorce, ladies, god, there's so many men in the know.
Speaker B: There are many.
Speaker A: Go get a hot man with a good **** who knows to **** you.
Speaker B: Thank you, Susie, as always. You're worth it.
Speaker A: You ******* that *****. It's worth it.
Speaker B: Wow. She's always got to bring it back.
Speaker A: To got to bring it back to the *****.
Speaker B: Anyway, so thanks for listening. Thanks for listening, guys, and catch you next time.
Speaker A: Next week, guys, we'll see you later.
Speaker B: Bye.
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Speaker B: Thanks so much for listening. Please rate and review this podcast and follow us on social at sharingmytruthpod and leave us a voicemail on our sharingmytruth.com to share your stories and experiences with us. We'll see you next time.
Speaker A: Bye bye.
Speaker B: Three, two, one. Yeah. Our jam.