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Episode 57  -  Dear Mel And Suzie, Please Help: My Husband Doesn’t Want To Have Sex Anymore!
Melany Krangle & Suzie Sheckter

Mel: The british accent, like mine, like the posh accents, very matronly and severe and strict.

Suzie: I think it's why it's sex.

Mel: Oh, is that what it is? That you sort of imagine?

Suzie: It's like you don't like that? You better speak me, 1234. Welcome to sharing my truth with Mel and Susie, the uncensored version where we bear it all.

Mel: We do.

Suzie: And hello, everyone.

Mel: Hello.

Suzie: How are you guys? We've missed you so much. Here's a sweet and supple little friendly reminder to if you want there's not too much trouble, just subscribe to our sweet and supple little podcast because we love you. And give us a sweet little supple five star review, please. Because we hope you love this podcast. We hope that we're doing our due diligence. And God, we just want to talk to you guys, want to hear from you. So please go to our website, sharingmytruth.com or go to our social sharing my toothpod. Send us a cute little dm. Is that too much, Mel? Hi, babes.

Mel: Hello. Are you traumatized? Well, I'm just focusing on the supple.

Suzie: She's traumatized.

Mel: I'm a little traumatized.

Suzie: Too much supple, isn't it?

Mel: It's fine.

Suzie: I'll find another word.

Mel: Okay. I like next week.

Suzie: I'll find another word.

Mel: Word of the week.

Suzie: Yes. What is the word of the week?

Mel: Oh, yeah, that's a good point.

Suzie: What is find one?

Mel: The word of the week? Oh, I know what the word of the week is. Okay, give it to me. It is. And I find this peculiar because I didn't think this had anything to do with sex, but maybe it's not meant to have anything to do with sex. So this is actually not my word of the week. Oh, this is playboy's word of the playboy. The word of the week is mukbang. Yeah, and I thought that was a thing. I didn't think that. What's that got to do with.

Suzie: Isn't that when you're just watching someone eat?

Mel: That's what I thought that was. I thought they did all these sort.

Suzie: Of videos, but isn't it kind of like the same as ASMR, which also grosses me out a little bit?

Mel: Well, the mukbang thing is like people, let's say, will go to Tim Hortons and buy everything on the menu and then sit and video themselves eating it. Isn't that what it is?

Suzie: God, that's so ******* weird.

Mel: It's very od.

Suzie: Why do people like so literally I can't even stand hearing people eat.

Mel: You know what I mean? I don't get it at all.

Suzie: Hearing people chew is repulsive so bad.

Mel: It's absolutely repulsive. Oh, my God. So sex word of the week according to Playboy.

Suzie: Love playboy.

Mel: This was five days ago. So maybe it was last week. A live broadcast during which the host eats copious amounts of food while interacting with an online audience. Why is that sex? What's it got to do with sex? Are we missing something in the mukbang? Maybe we just don't say sex word of the week. Not that I really watch mukbangs, but they're online, right? And they don't seem sexual to me. But maybe there is a hidden meaning.

Suzie: So I don't think we're wrong. Okay, so most of these comments on this little post are like, literally. That's not a sex word. That's not a sex word. It's not.

Mel: But maybe aren't liking text sexual thing.

Suzie: People also agree with us. They don't think this is a sex.

Mel: I didn't think it was. I thought it was just a stupid thing.

Suzie: It's so ******* weird to me that this is a sex word.

Mel: Anyways.

Suzie: This isn't even about our pod today.

Mel: No, I'm just telling.

Suzie: We just wanted to bring it up.

Mel: Because if you guys think it is.

Suzie: A sex word, if this turns you on, I want you to seek help, but first I want you to talk to us. And why is this turn you on?

Mel: Okay, that's good. Yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah.

Suzie: So, Mel, please. So bring us in.

Mel: Yeah. You want to know what it's all about. So somebody's written into us love and we seem to be continuing on our age gap theme.

Suzie: Okay.

Mel: Well, that's not really a big age gap, to be fair. I'll take that back. No, this woman has been married for 25 years. Okay, so her husband's 56 and she's 49. So it's not really an age gap.

Suzie: No, I wouldn't say that.

Mel: A mini age gap. Mini age gap is whatever. So the husband is older, a little bit older. And the woman's 49, a little bit younger than me. She's 49. And they haven't had sex for a year. But they've been married for 25 years. Now. That is a lot. Okay. I mean, during a marriage it can happen to, like if you have children or something like that, but even then generally doesn't allow for a very healthy relationship.

Suzie: But anyway, I would assume so.

Mel: Yeah. And she says that she's the one who wants more sex. She says that she knows it's her fault because she gets tired quickly and she has work and children and whatever, but he just doesn't seem to be interested ever at all. And she doesn't know what to do.

Suzie: So he's how old? 54.

Mel: He's 56. Not old at all. And she's 59. And he stopped asking. So he used to be interested, but now he stopped asking, what's wrong? And I think I know.

Suzie: Okay, so here's my three thoughts before you're going to go. First question, thought, whatever.

Mel: Is.

Suzie: Is he cheating?

Mel: Yeah, that would be my first thought.

Suzie: Second is there might be an ed problem.

Mel: Absolutely.

Suzie: And he's embarrassed 100%. And third is maybe he's not attracted to her anymore and they need to get a divorce.

Mel: Wow. Or they want to have an open relationship.

Suzie: Or an open relationship.

Mel: Yeah. I mean, I'd say definitely he could have an ed problem. And I think a lot of men in this age group, it's very common. It's still shrouded in shame. Really embarrassing. I genuinely feel for men that cannot talk to their partners about it. I think that is chronically awful that you don't feel you can because there are so many things that Ed can be caused by. It could be some medication that you might be taking for a myriad of different things. It can be stress. It can be so many things. And to not be able to tell or feel that you can share with the person you're sharing your life with, to me, is desperately sad.

Suzie: And after 25 years.

Mel: Yeah, but it's very, very common. And we don't know if that's the case here. We don't. But it's very common. I would say, yes, it could be that he's having an affair 100%. And my third thing, I think, because she said, and I'm just going to read this again, that she said she knows it's her fault because she gets tired, she works a lot, and she has children and they take up a lot of her time. And she doesn't always want it, I guess, when he wants it.

Suzie: But that's so interesting. So he does want it. That's what I'm. Well, she says he doesn't want it at all.

Mel: He doesn't want it now. He doesn't ask anymore. So I think what's probably happened is this has been going on for years and years and years and years and years, and he's asked her so many times, all the time badgering her, and he's just given up. And I don't think that's uncommon. And women, we're like that. We're like, what do you mean? You're not asking me anymore? I mean, it's just like, unbelievable. So he's asked you 40 bajillion times for the last 25 years, and you've said, no, 40 bajillion times. And now finally you're like, hang on a second. Why aren't you asking me? I mean, that is a very female thing, isn't it?

Suzie: Yeah, it is.

Mel: And you're like, poor guy, he's had enough. He's like, okay, fine. Or men are very literal, aren't they? And he's like, okay, she doesn't want it. Fine. I want to ask. There is a point. Everyone has a threshold, right? But when men go, okay, you obviously don't want it, which is not what the woman's saying at all. Because there's some weird ******* hidden meaning behind it, which we all do all the time, then she's like, offended. I mean, it's amazing if you think.

Suzie: About it, but I totally get it.

Mel: I totally get the male or the female? Both. Yeah.

Suzie: It's like because I think if you have been in any kind of sort of long term ish relationship, even after a year, sometimes this can happen, right?

Mel: Yeah.

Suzie: Where you're just like, **** happens. Everyone's busy. No time for sex. Women are like, I don't want ******* sex. We've talked about this before, Mel. I don't want sex in the morning. That's when you want it. Well, I'm not having it.

Mel: I'm too busy.

Suzie: I have to go too much on my mind. And the guy's like, well, I'm not having it at night. I am too tired. I've just had a big meal. I don't want to **** right now. And then they get in this ****** thing, and then she keeps denying it in the morning. And then he thinks, well, she doesn't want it.

Mel: Yeah. So he gives up.

Suzie: And so I totally understand both sides. But maybe that's not even the case. Maybe he is cheating on her.

Mel: Yeah. Or he's not interested anymore. Maybe he wasn't. I mean, it could be a lot of things. It could very well be that he's cheating. It could be. That would be immediately what I would think if my husband stopped asking me. I'd be like, what's going on? It just wouldn't be right because he does. And I would be like, what's going on? But I do think it is an eternal problem. I do think it's actually a communication issue between men and women that I honestly don't think we're ever going to resolve because I think the way men and women want sex, and we've discussed this many times, is very different. Women need to be relaxed, need to, like you say, kind of feel great and had a shower and feel desirable and kind of be in the mood. All the things, all the stars have to be aligned. Yes.

Suzie: Not too much air conditioning, but also not too hot.

Mel: Exactly. Very good.

Suzie: Very good.

Mel: And not had a big meal. And all these. You have to have. All these things have to have happened. And for men generally, nothing has to have happened.

Suzie: Literally the least amount of anything.

Mel: It's just like the wind blows and up it goes.

Suzie: Exactly.

Mel: And so men don't understand why were you in the mood yesterday at 08:00 or 09:00 at night and today you're not? Well, because the stars aren't aligned tonight. And I'm not in that thing. I'm not in the feeling I'm about.

Suzie: To get my period in a week.

Mel: Exactly.

Suzie: I can't do this right now.

Mel: Today I feel fat or today I feel whatever it is.

Suzie: Yeah, someone said a bad comment to me.

Mel: Exactly.

Suzie: On the work day.

Mel: Exactly.

Suzie: And I can't stop thinking about it and I can't get turned on right now.

Mel: Exactly.

Suzie: Are you crazy?

Mel: Exactly. Or genuinely, you are tired and women have this thing where you kind of. Well, I mean, I understand that you kind of go, right, I have to have all these things. My mind has to be clear. I have to think, right, I've sorted all those things out and men don't think like that. Yeah. I mean, like I always say, the house could be burning down or you could be in a sort of mass of dirty laundry and they wouldn't care.

Suzie: They just toss it to the side.

Mel: Exactly. Like a movie. And I don't think women, I think you might at the beginning, but generally you don't. And if you do have a job and you work full time, there's a reality, you're ****** tired. You get up every day at six or seven or whatever. Maybe you go to the gym, then you go to work all day, then you come home, then you have to cook or you have to do something.

Suzie: It is so funny.

Mel: Like, then there's no time.

Suzie: There is, literally, because I'm a night sex person. So I will be in bed and then we'll just be slitterly laying there not doing anything, and then I'll just be like, so you want to ****. And I'll just be like, if you don't say yes in that literally 0.2 seconds, then I'm over in another minute.

Mel: Oh, wow.

Suzie: Do you know what I mean? But it's not like he usually wants to anyways, because he's a morning sex. He's a morning. So it's just a weird thing where I'm like, well, I know it's midnight and I'm kind of tired, but I could do this right now or not at all.

Mel: Do you know what I mean?

Suzie: There's very little in between here.

Mel: You get over it sort of quick. You're like, okay, let's move on to the next.

Suzie: For the most part. Depends on the time of the month.

Mel: Got it. Yes. No, fair enough. I just think. Yeah. That women and men are at ods with this. Yeah.

Suzie: But I think he might be cheating on you.

Mel: I think it's quite possible.

Suzie: I hope. Girl, if you're listening to this.

Mel: You.

Suzie: Got to talk to him, because if you want sex now, you've been married for 25 years. I mean, you don't want to give up this marriage just for.

Mel: Because she says it's nonexistent.

Suzie: A year of no sex. That's what's crazy. An entire year, and you don't talk about it.

Mel: This is the thing. I am eternally astounded. Do you like that?

Suzie: I do.

Mel: By people. So let me get this straight. You're going to share your life with somebody on many levels. And obviously it depends on the couple. Some it's financial, some it's not. But basically you sleep next to this person. You see them in all their glory and all their not glory.

Suzie: Do you know what I mean?

Mel: Well, in their great looking fabulous and looking ****, quite frankly. Or you've seen them on the lit. Like, you've seen them in every aspect, right?

Suzie: Yeah.

Mel: But you're not going to talk to them. What the ****?

Suzie: I know.

Mel: I mean, I could understand if your friend. You might not talk to your friends about certain things. You don't see them every day, every minute of the day, 24 hours a day. I mean, when you're young, you do. You see your friends all the time. But the older you get, the less and less you see people. It's just life and friend, you get busy and other things and blah, blah, blah. And so people probably don't know all the aspects of each other's lives, but your partner, the person you live with.

Suzie: Yeah.

Mel: Like what? To me, I'm like, I don't understand. I just don't get the point. I really don't. And actually my husband said something to me the other day and I think he's right, that because I am in a very good relationship, I don't come from a background like my family. Everyone was useless at relationships. My parents divorced, tore each other apart.

Suzie: Right.

Mel: I don't have any history or any background to actually have successful relationships and yet I have met somebody and we have a very successful. We do, of course, like everyone, you have ups and downs, but we really genuinely like each other's company that. I'm confused why people would stay together when they don't want to share stuff and don't want to talk to each other. And look, I get it. It's hard sometimes to communicate. Sometimes you don't want to, sometimes it's too difficult. But surely if something bothers you so much, and I'm going to say it again, you've been with this person for 25 ****** years.

Suzie: Yeah.

Mel: I think you might want to have a chat. I mean, really, I'm sorry. We are like going off on this listener, but I mean, I understand you are probably now so kind of nervous and kind of upset, whatever the words are, that you don't know how to open the conversation with them.

Suzie: It's just really crazy because I'm sure you do too. I know people who have had years of not having sex.

Mel: Oh, yeah, of course I do.

Suzie: And these people who are in these relationships, from an outsider's perspective, it's like you need to break up. You should have broken up already. Yeah. Because there's just no way you're going to fix it now. If you've spent that time, that intimacy, you have this gap in your intimacy now and you're just roommates. That's a really bad feeling because then you're just like, oh, who's going to pick up the kids? And literally you're just business partners at this point, pretty much. And sometimes you need to break it off the business and just go your separate ways.

Mel: Yeah, I think a lot of people are not happy, but they're not unhappy. And I've said this many times, they're going somewhere down the middle and life takes over. Life's complicated. And if you actually don't dislike your partner and you get along genuinely, it's okay living with them and you share children, possibly you share a business or you live and obviously in a house you co own or whatever, unless some thunderbolt, amazing, exciting, passionate, whatever thing has come along, what are you going to do? Yeah, just suddenly slice this house down the middle. Throw your kid's life into absolute mayhem, and you don't even dislike your partner. You just don't have a physical relationship anymore. That is a lot of people. A lot of people are in that and they get stuck. But the question, I guess, this write in is making me think, is, do a lot of people kind of get there because they don't talk about it? And then if you don't talk and you don't talk and you don't talk, the harder it is to bring something up. I mean, it's a bit like we've had in past episodes where if suddenly somebody says, oh, yeah, by the way, I'm bisexual, or suddenly, oh, by the way, whatever, I was a woman and I'm a man.

Suzie: Right.

Mel: And that would be interesting. But I don't know, it's just like, oh, by the way, blah, blah, blah. I was in prison for 15 years. All sorts of **** must have happened. The longer you don't tell somebody, the harder it is.

Suzie: Yeah.

Mel: And so it just goes on and on and on. Eats away at you. Well, yeah. And 100% eats away at you. And I'd say in this case, probably this woman's feeling very guilty about the fact that he did ask her and she didn't do anything about it. And she may have had a genuinely. I get it. You're tired. I totally understand it. And I do think it's a female thing. If you're tired, it's like the thing goes down. I feel like, well, that's all strong thing, right?

Suzie: Like your self esteem, it fluctuates. I'm assuming when you've had children, your body isn't the same. You don't have the same time to work out. Obviously, you don't have the same capacity to eat great or, like, whatever, because you're feeding a family of however many. Now, to think about yourself is, like, your last on the list. And so that also is a huge factor with men and how they're very visual creatures and that they do want their women to look good. And that's really awful because you obviously have had the babies and all these other things, and now what are you.

Mel: Supposed to ******* do?

Suzie: You don't want to **** me? Okay, I'll go find someone who does.

Mel: Yeah, I guess it depends on the man. Depends on the relationship. Depends on.

Suzie: No, of course there's good men out there who want to **** their wives and want.

Mel: Who are normal and change.

Suzie: Exactly. Just like, oh, no, you're not.

Mel: And also the fact they change. It's not like, oh, yeah, I change, but you don't. Obviously, we both change, and that's fine. But I think it's also this thing that I'm afraid in those years when you are really, really tired and your husband is like, I would like to get a bit jiggy and you're not feeling it.

Suzie: Not a bit jiggy.

Mel: You've basically got to get jiggy. It's a bit like you've got to.

Suzie: Basically, you got to make yourself do it.

Mel: Sometimes it's like life. That sounds like a really hard thing to. Harsh thing to say, but I think that women are very emotional creatures. We have to be in tune. We have to be feeling it. We can't feel slightly tired. I think that a lot of women, they go, oh, God, now I'm tired. And then they go, oh, God, I'm tired. So I'm not going to be going into it and this is going to take forever. And then it's going to be like, I'm going to be here for half an hour. I'd be ****** lucky if you're there for ten minutes, be there for half an hour and then it's going to be like 12:00 and then I got to get up at six. You go through this whole thing in your head when the whole thing in your head, you could have done it by then.

Suzie: Okay, so here's the thing also, maybe, and I'm going to go on the men's side now.

Mel: Okay.

Suzie: If the woman is not giving it up, if the woman is not doing what you're saying, just having sex with a man, even though she doesn't want to, she's not doing it at all. She doesn't want it. She's not having it. Should the woman allow the man to go sleep with another woman and stay in the relationship?

Mel: That's up to her. But I don't think she should be completely shocked if he goes off.

Suzie: She said it, ladies and gentlemen.

Mel: Yeah, I think that it's not being terribly fair. I mean, I think men are different kind of creatures. Obviously, women need sex as well. And I think that in the modern world, we've started to talk about that a lot more in the last 25 years. And before that, nobody talked about the fact that, oh, women actually want to have sex, too. And the boom in the sex toy industry is led by women, not by men. Of course, it's led by women, especially by men, and that is a big shift in understanding. Yeah, women want sex, too, but I think it does fluctuate greatly in a woman's life. And you've said it before, I think women are. Because it's more emotional and mental. You are more in control of it, in a sense, yes. It's biological. Obviously, women want to have sex. They get that feeling, obviously, like men, but it's a different thing. I think women are able to be more in control of it than men. And obviously we're not men, so we don't know. But I think that men. It is a more kind of primal requirement. I guess that's the best way of putting it. And do men, if you're married to a man, does he need to have sex with you ladies? Yes, of course he ****** does.

Suzie: You got to just give him a hole at least.

Mel: I mean, come on. I mean, you could go and get one of those fleshlight things made of your ******. *****. There's an idea. So not tonight, love, but here you go.

Suzie: Major gift.

Mel: Or you could go and get one of those sex dolls of yourself. Yeah, why not?

Suzie: Those are thousands of dollars. You get all that sleep. I'd rather have cheat.

Mel: No, I'm joking. Well, I'm sort of joking. No, but I think there is something that has been lost in the. I think we've said it before somehow in feminism. Come on. You can't have everything your way, the way you want it all the time. It just doesn't work like that. Obviously, I'm a woman in her 50s. I'm part of the feminist era, but I'm a realist. I would say the same for men. They can't have what they want all the time. All the. But I think you've got to. That's part of compromise in a relationship. You got to do a bit of what they want and a bit of what you want. Come on. And so it sounds to me what this woman has done is extremely common. So I don't want to bash you because it's very, very normal, I would like to say. I think a lot of women get themselves into this situation in their life because there are only 24 hours in the day. And there have been many, many articles about this that most women who work and have children probably take. Do the lion's share of the childcare, the lion's share of the stuff at home. Even in relationships where men do a lot, it's just kind of the way things for wrong, for right, whatever, work out. And women do a huge amount of stuff. I mean, that was one of the things that happened to a lot of women during COVID Right. Kids being at home and having to do a lot of stuff. You're a mother. I mean, that's kind of what happens. And there are only 24 hours in the day and you just don't have enough time. And I also think that men are much better at being a whole person of saying, yeah, I'm a dad, yeah, I'm a husband, yeah, I'm a lover. And women are not very good at.

Suzie: That as much from men in any of the home.

Mel: I just think men are very good at compartmentalizing.

Suzie: Yeah, but because we let them, we don't let women do that.

Mel: I'm not so sure.

Suzie: I think women, perfect mom and the perfect.

Mel: Yeah, but I think we do that to ourselves. We do society, we wouldn't have to 100%.

Suzie: There wasn't people like, well, did you pick up the kids? Because they probably miss you. Yeah, the dad can also pick up.

Mel: The kids 100%, I would say. I have experienced this all the way throughout my life. When I had going back to work and I always, from quite sort of my late twenty s, I worked for myself. And when I went back to work and I didn't need to because my partner had, I didn't need to work, as it were. But I always worked. The amount of **** and abuse I got from women saying, well, why are you working? And when my kids were little, I had a nanny. Not their whole, but when they were very little and sort of needed help with stuff while I had my business. But the criticism never came from men, it came from women. Or that thing of like, you've had a baby. Well, why don't you look amazing? Why have you not sprung back into, yeah, it's totally unrealistic.

Suzie: It's like, why don't you go work out? Your man's not going to want to sleep with you. Exactly this situation.

Mel: Exactly.

Suzie: Possibly.

Mel: But then women are doing it to themselves by either not talking. I mean, I don't know, maybe she has told him, I'm tired, but it seems like after a year of not having sex to then suddenly say, why aren't you asking me anymore?

Suzie: We'll just be like, if she's asking him and he's saying no, that's what's mean. He's getting it somewhere else probably, or he's gay, or he's just always bisexual. There's just so many possibilities. That's the thing. I guess you could listen to Mel this time, just talk to each other. Does that sound good coming from my mouth? It's usually from yours.

Mel: Well, add a bit of just please do each other. Please talk to each other, for God's sake. Life is difficult enough as it is without communicating. Thank you, Mel.

Suzie: That was.

Mel: And that's all I have to say, really. But I would like to say to this person you have written in and we've given you a little bit of a hard time, but you've got to talk to him.

Suzie: Yeah, I think a year is enough, girlfriend. If you need to bring a vibrator in there, if you have to dress up in lingerie, if you have to seduce him, remember that. Remember that fun thing, seduction that we used to do when we're dating? You might need to do a little bit of that. And that's okay because that helps you.

Mel: Get in the mood too.

Suzie: You might have to schedule just for him. Oh, **** the schedule.

Mel: Scheduling. Yeah, you might have to. You might. Or go on a sexy date.

Suzie: Go on a sexy date. Babysitter. There's a lot of things you can do to spice it up without getting too crazy.

Mel: But surely your children at that age, they must. If they're 49 and 56, you'd think they don't need a ****** babysitter. I don't know, but you never know. We wish you all the best, darling. We do. And thank you for writing in.

Suzie: And if it helps if something happened, please let us know and give us a follow up.

Mel: Definitely.

Suzie: And if anyone else has anything to do with this, if you had a problem, if you have a cheating husband.

Mel: We'Re a cheating wife.

Suzie: Or a cheating wife. We're not maury, but we will figure out who the father is.

Mel: Wow. That's a ****** throwback. Wow.

Suzie: I would love to do an episode on. You are the know.

Mel: He's not still on tv, is he? No, I think he died, didn't he?

Suzie: Maybe he didn't. Maybe I just started that rumor. Okay, that's enough of that. That's enough from us.

Mel: Yes.

Suzie: Just don't forget to share your truths with us. Sharingmytruth.com and at sharemytruthpod on insta.

Mel: Definitely. Love you. Next time. Bye.

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Mel: Thanks so much for listening. Please rate and review this podcast and follow us on social at sharingmytruthpod and leave us a voicemail on our sharingmytruth.com, to share your stories and experiences with us. We'll see you next time.

Suzie: Bye bye. Two, one.

Mel: Yeah. Don't.

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